Courage and Cowardice

When you understand what you see, you will no longer be children. You will know that life is pain, that each of us hangs always upon the cross of himself. And when you know that this is true of every man, woman and child on earth, you will be wiser.
~Whittaker Chambers

Posting that quote again because it still resonates in my brain. It is still accurate. You will know that life is pain. You will no longer be children. I feel my age- no I feel older than my age. My birthday is next week and I really don’t care. It could just come and go like another day. Should I be glad I was born? Maybe but I am not. I think the only good I have done in this world was create that beautiful child I call my daughter.

I opened my eyes this morning and my thought was to wish I hadn’t and that the sun had decided to not rise this morning. I could not find my voice to speak and forced words to come out slowly. The plans to move on with my life are disappearing. My hope dwindling. Everything I thought I wanted I am unsure of now. Everything I thought I felt and understood has always been a lie. It is my own fault, living in denial is an evil I don’t wish upon anyone. Even being naive is a danger in itself, something I have lived with forever. Sometimes I am so sick of my thoughts and of my feelings and my hurt I literally have to hold back from vomiting. The stress eats away at my stomach.

Why do I post on here? Maybe someone in the world will see this and learn from my mistakes. Maybe someone will decide they will understand me some day. I don’t think the second one will ever happen. Sometimes I get half-way through one of these and I wonder is anyone there? Am I doing this for myself ? Is this even helping me? Is this helping anyone else?

Noun- The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Noun- Lack of courage to face danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.

I have never had courage because I have never faced my pain without fear. I am not brave and I never have been. I am a coward because I lack the courage to face the pain and always the opposition.

This life has done nothing but torture me consistently. I have had very little joy and that is disappointing. It almost makes me angry that I have something holding me back from just making everyone’s lives easier. How can I be angry about it? Because it involves love. I don’t think there is a large difference between anger and love. They co-exist. I don’t think you can truly be angry without love. It is love and anger that is keeping me on this wire. I don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I was always hoping for a hero. A night in shining armor to save me from everything including myself. That would be the easy way wouldn’t it? Then I wouldn’t have to think the dark thoughts that cloud my mind some days and nights. Seems no one has time for anyone anymore.


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