Well … I don’t know what to say. If I just update things here it will be the same old stuff. More medical stuff going on and trying to solve the mystery. I am sick of hearing myself and I know everyone else is sick of hearing me too. Heck, I don’t blame them. I did however inject my Enbrel again after being off of it since mid January. I woke up three times in the middle of the night last night in pain. Yet my doctor says I seem to be doing better. Also did I mention the other two times I woke up because I had to pee so bad I thought my eyes were floating behind my lids? I have had enough of this craziness, this madness. I have never woken that many times in pain, usually I wake once and I am OK until early morning. No this last night I woke up a total five times, three from pain, and just decided to get out of bed at about 4:30 am or so. Went and injected my Enbrel and took my new thyroid medicine. I really should take some Darvocet for this awful pain but I am being stubborn. I don’t know why. Maybe I feel like I should suffer. I know to most normal people that makes absolutely no sense. I am riddled with guilt from the past. I am dealing with the anniversary of my sister’s death which is tomorrow and I am increasing in my madness each day with these health problems.

I am seen as I have an obsession but I am tired of feeling sick. I am tired of altering my life because I am ill. I am tired of being chronically ill and in pain. It sucks. I am dealing with mental and physical pain. My body is absolutely broken. I want to fix it so that I can be normal. So I can be functioning and be here for my family. I hate not being normal and not being able to work 9-5 like other people do. It’s not right and our family suffers financially. Maybe it is an obsession but I don’t do it only for me, I do it for my family. They don’t deserve to deal with this day in and day out. Maybe I am hoping somewhere out there maybe there is a cure for everything going on and everyone is wrong. Yeah, I guess it is a pipe dream.

I guess I am holding on to that hope. The hope that one day things will be better. If I did not have that hope somewhere in me I would probably have ended my life long ago even though there were past attempts. I attribute surviving those past attempts to God’s grace.


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