Other

You can see it through my chest….
Said I’m terrified but I’m not leaving…
know that I must pass this test

So just pull the trigger.

So hyper and agitated today. Feel like moving to do something only problem is I feel destructive. There is the agitation. Well this is day 2 of the next titration so maybe that has something to do with it. So either the medicine is not working and I am still cycling or it’s popping me up. It is impossible for me to understand myself anymore. I almost feel mixed today. Agitation plus depression on top of feeling motivated. Those are not good feelings to have all at once. So I need to find a way to wear myself down.

My mind is going again in my sleep and I find myself dreaming and dreaming every night. I usually forget the dreams by sunset only to begin new ones again at bedtime. I wonder if they sit in my subconscious all day torturing me? Maybe a reason for some of my moods….

Either way, when I feel the way I do today I feel like somehow giving myself an adrenaline rush. To feel alive- maybe. I don’t know. Maybe it is the mundane existence I have everyday that pushes me to sometimes feel that I need to push the edges and limits of my life in order to feel not so numb if at least for a few moments.

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