Nothing short of Disgust

I am completely entirely disgusted with myself today- well rather at this moment. I am stupid for so many dumb mistakes I have made over the years. I have no excuse other than being selfish and stupid. I lie to myself all the time thinking every time I do something it is for a good cause or reason but it must be secretly to satisfy my own desires. Being human makes me sick. I should be better than that. I am tired of being disturbed. I am tired of my random thoughts that everyone can’t handle. I am tired of not one person understanding me. I am sick to death of not being able to pull my own weight and support half the bills, after all isn’t that the way it should be? Women don’t stay home anymore.

I am tired of my physical pain I deal with every day. Sure it feels somewhat better with my pain medicine, my Enbrel and my treatments but it still hurts sometimes with all of that and when I am not in pain I know it lingers in the background. Physical and mental pain almost constant. If not one, the other or both at the same time…. I am tired of being afraid too- of living my life in fear. I have to stop now because my hands are hurting really bad…huge weather change coming tonight and my body is not happy


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