OK so I must get back on here because I am feeling pretty angry/bitter even though I am wasted tired. I hate being sick dammit. I hate having bipolar. I hate having this physical pain. So what the hell is wrong with me? I am so confused. Nothing in this crazy head of mine makes sense- ever.
All of those times I did almost take my life, I don’t know what to think of those times. For some sick reason in my head I still don’t completely regret those moments. As disgusting as it is to drink charcoal in a hospital where everyone is completely pissed at you- it is like a different time. Like it wasn’t me. I look back and don’t remember it like it was a real memory. Like it was me. Those weeks spent inpatient- did I learn anything? I don’t think so. I think it just got me through the tough moments after the first hospital. I’d really like to say I am stable. I would like to say I have stability. I said I had it before but I don’t think I ever did. I don’t think it exists for me, maybe for no one or does it? What is stability anyway? Is it hanging on and not trying to kill yourself and still being alive each day to see the sunrise? Or is it being satisfied with the way your life is going, taking your medicine and being the good human everyone thinks you should be?
I am tired of thinking about the past, regretting things I have done and things that were done to me. My mind has me questioning the past and how I remember it anymore. Is how I remember it accurate? Or is my insanity confusing things? I can’t hardly remember what I did last week let alone things that happened over a decade ago.
I am uncomfortable in my head, in my body, in every facet of myself. How does one live with themselves like this? How do you one day accept yourself and live with all your pain- mental and physical? How do you know who you are BEYOND this? Who am I? Will I ever know?