The full moon is upon me. Normally I am pretty hypo on the upside but this time it is the opposite. How strange because my entire life it’s been the opposite. I feel anxious a lot the past few days and embarrassed of everything- the way I look, the way I feel and the way I act. Not to mention depression is kicking it’s way in, not that it wasn’t here already… It is more sadness though creeping in and taking over where irritability left off. I am tired of pretending to everyone that my life is fine. That I am fine. Things are hard for me, hard for me to do and to think about. My life is really tough and I am tired of living in denial in the real world about that. I am always downplaying how I feel to others in real life whether it’s physical or emotional.
Every bit of my waking moments I am filled with physical pain and some days it’s coupled with intense emotional pain as well. Sometimes I just don’t want to make decisions or be asked what’s wrong. Then sometimes when someone does ask me if I am OK and I say yea, I’m fine, I want them to say no, please tell me really how you feel because everyone seems to accept an OK and moves on. This is because they don’t really want to know how anyone else really feels inside. The world is filled with people going about their business too worried about their world to worry about others. I can’t really blame them I guess because I don’t feel I am worth some people’s time anyway. Sometimes, well often, I don’t want to talk about anything anyway. I just wish others understood that life is hard for me. The things I do daily are complicated for me, mentally and physically. No one understands that.
Some days breathing is hard. Thinking is hard. Moving is hard and sometimes I can’t even take the baby steps needed to make it through the hours. Now I sit here wondering what is the point of everything anyway? I feel like a hamster running on a wheel. It keeps going round and round in the same direction and I get nowhere. Nothing different happens, same shit different day and I am stuck somewhere in my mind, trying to make it. I need some sort of escape.