God who am I kidding. I don’t accept myself either. Probably most of the reason I want to rid the world of my miserable self most days. Why wouldn’t others feel the same way, especially those who have to deal with all the miserable shit that comes along with me. My confrontation just proves to me others do see me as a daily burden, even when I share in that burden and start to take care of some things myself. I have pulled away and become less dependent but it doesn’t even matter at this point. I am better off not speaking unless spoken to and not about anything I stand for or anything important to me because it just annoys everyone else. I either live my life this way, end it or move on somehow. Apparently there is no other half that can accept you fully when you have a lot going on.
Apparently…going from non function to starting to function a bit and getting the house under control again, the laundry, making it a lot easier to live in the place makes no difference. Just overlooked even though it is something of a huge feat. Everything positive gets overlooked. Doesn’t it always though? I am sick and tired of trying to do the right thing, succeeding a lot of the time and it meaning nothing a week later. I am tired of being taken for granted. He says he doesn’t get to do what most men his age do because of MY being ill but what would he do?? He never WANTS to DO anything! All he wants to do is sit where he sits everyday doing the same thing every day. And apparently sitting with me and watching a movie means nothing. Yes I AM angry. I am sick of being sick and I am SICK of being treated like SHIT. Supposedly seeing the light making him “realize” how important we are in his life was BS. That’s how I feel now. Like I am nothing. I am nothing to him. Nothing more than a problem and only staying out of obligation.
So from now on I will live my life separate when it comes to my being ill. Why should I include someone who just feels hatred or anger for having to help? I still don’t understand why when I make changes they go unnoticed?
I am tired of sitting alone crying, feeling unloved.