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Happy Birthday Little Sister

I thought about you today little sister. I was cleaning my bedroom and I found those things I had saved that remind me of you. I even came across a picture from when we all spent one of our Christmas’s together. It was you sitting in the middle of all of us (your siblings). I wonder if you in Heaven know how much you are missed. It’s almost your birthday again- this will be the fourth one you’ve missed since you were killed right before your 24th. It hurt to see your picture today and I thought the hurt would lessen but it comes so randomly. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt so bad and sometimes my heart feels very broken. There are so many thoughts I think in my head about you. I have guilt over certain things I can tell no one. I still remember the trauma of your death. I don’t think I have ever been that hysterical or cried so hard in my entire life. Standing over your closed casket wondering how in the hell I arrived at that moment. I could do nothing but bury my face in Eric’s shirt and cry. And it was over, everything before I knew it. Your ashes were there at mom’s house in their wooden urn. I didn’t say anything at your funeral. I should have said something, told everyone how much you meant to me but I couldn’t speak, nothing but sobbing would come out of my mouth.

I have your half to our sister necklace charms- you should be here wearing it, it shouldn’t be with mine in my jewelry box. I shouldn’t have a box with a picture album and newspaper clippings. I shouldn’t have nothing but my memories of you right now. I shouldn’t be celebrating your birthday this month in my mind and without you.

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