I feel so confused at times and sometimes things could not seem more clear and my intuition more right. I often wonder if the clarity is insanity or maybe the confusion is insanity.
I had a recent occurrence that forced me to swallow what small bit of pride I have. I did it and it will potentially help me in the future/near future. I feel stupid for doing it. Stupid for confiding in people/Dr.’s about things not important to them. I had to do it in order for them to see my humanity. To see I am not perfect, in that I am trying to manage so much in my life right now. I have sadly had to admit so many things this year that I have done in my past that I never wanted to tell anyone about. They were long done and over with. The overdosing had to be told to my nephrologist- until then only my psychiatrists ever knew of these past situations and my family. Heck even my family doesn’t know how early all of that started. That was why I did tell that doctor. I often wonder if I am not going to pay for those moments in my past. I mean honestly, if I ever needed a new kidney who would give one to someone who randomly thinks of suicide during times of mental breakdowns? I just have to hope there is a God and he keeps me going until I take myself out or He says it’s time to go.
Now I have to tell other specialists I have bipolar disorder and sometimes face all sorts of questions and odd looks. I even dealt with a doctor in my past that backed away from me when I told her of the diagnosis. All I had said was I have bipolar disorder and she backed away from me like it was contagious. How disgusting I think and glad I don’t see her anymore. I am tired of trying to explain to a stranger or provider or acquaintance why I reacted oddly or said the wrong thing or maybe forgot to say thank you because my mind was going a mile a minute. No one knows or understands. I don’t come with my own warning label but maybe I should. I am always trying to excuse my idiotic behavior when I am having an episode. I don’t remember having to do this in the past but maybe back then I didn’t care what people thought and now I do.
Now numbers confuse me greatly. I can’t seem to compute anything in my mind anymore and it gets quite embarrassing. I over tip most times or miscalculate how much I am spending on our groceries by the time I checkout. It is because I don’t have time to think- I get overwhelmed at the moment and become impulsive out of fear. I am tired of being confused when I try to do things “normal” people do. I am tired of being tired! I want a normal life and a normal marriage. I don’t even dream of those things. My dreams are filled with nightmares. My past is filled with nightmares and sometimes I wonder if my future will be the same. I want a better life.
This dark shadow hangs behind me all of the time. I feel it with me everywhere I go. I have an intuition, I know it and I feel it- in my heart I know how I will die it’s just a matter of an eventual occurrence. I just know that it won’t be right now. That’s how I know I am not normal. It’s like holding a fake smile but when no one is looking the frown is there. I don’t think I will ever lose that feeling, even with a good medication regimen. Even my short stints of stability I guess you’d call them, I felt the shadow looming in the background- I was just able to ignore it easier.