My heart cries. Instead of tears coming from my eyes. It does the crying.
I don’t have any clue why it is crying but it is. Once again the sadness has enveloped my soul and my mind. I had some precancer or something removed from my body the other day and it still hurts really bad- get the stitches out in a few weeks. That made for an interesting week.
I am tired. I am so stupid sometimes. I am so tired of backtracking and making the same mistakes over again. It’s like being an alcoholic and relapsing but I don’t drink alcohol. Mine is shopping. It is obsessive and compulsive. It isn’t always materialistic things either, it can be something simple as groceries. A lot of that is because we go for weeks short on food, eating the last bits of what we can find and after going through weeks of this I finally go crazy and buy extra because I can’t go through that again I think. But it messes everything up. The bills are messed up and now I have to fix them. I am to the point where I can’t fix a lot of these mistakes I am making. They are getting worse.
Who am I kidding? I must be getting worse. Instead of killing myself I am ruining mine and everyone’s lives. It was better the other way. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I think I get things right and then it all blows up in my face. Dammit. I f-ed up again. I hate myself now, just like always because I am making such stupid mistakes over and over.
Things just aren’t working. I am not getting better. I am starting to think I never will get better.