Oh God I wish things didn’t stay and weigh on my mind for long periods. I had a dream with you Liz. You were standing there waiting at a door, just waiting. It made me feel so sad. I woke up crying that morning, the morning of your birthday at 3 am. What was I to do? I was alone.
Things seem to be harder to get through when they come up. Shoving them down no longer keeps them away. My heart breaks in the background while I hold this smile on my face. My judgment is failing, confusion seems to fill my head and I cannot do simple tasks again but for 8 hours in a day I am sort of ok. Maybe I just needed this good solid cry, I don’t know. I feel like I am living the hell all over again but it’s all in my head.
Will it ever feel better? Why does it feel worse now than before? I will stiffen my face, plaster the smile on and move on. Shove it deep inside my soul. Why some of us must suffer through hurt I will never know. Others will see me as stiff, unbending, unfriendly and cold but I must not break down because if I do I will break down completely and there will be no way to pick up my pieces. No one understands that and I am pegged as a bad friend at times. I often care too much and other people’s (my friend’s) problems break me down and break my heart but I must stay strong. I have to push on, it’s what I have always done. If I don’t I will fall to pieces and no one will be able to put me back together. I have broken down, twice specifically I can remember that were terrible moments. Broken in the hospital unable to do anything but what was required of me and nothing more. Not willing to make myself better, and wanting/waiting for death to come. Some days this sort of feeling comes over me again but I push on.
Oh the extraordinary sadness I feel at times. Through my pain and tears I pray my medicine gets me through those moments. As the sun sets sometimes I feel that heaviness increase in my heart. There is nothing more terrifying then trying to get through the pain all alone especially during the night. I won’t share this- I won’t.