The light is fading…..

So here I have it. I have my second opinion and I agree. Time to accept it and move on. So I have rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and probably PMR. I don’t think I have an issue with that more so an issue with accepting that my bipolar has held back my entire life. I don’t think anyone else understands this. Today I feel sad. Very sad. My feelings were hurt and I honestly thought I could handle the day until this happened for a second time. I pride myself on being there as much as possible for others I care about. I feel like I have been shot in the heart. I took a moment to feel sorry for myself, to feel my depression and to hate my life and I can’t stop for a moment to do this ever. It just hurts everyone else. Everyone wonders why I hold back, why I’m distant and I don’t cry or talk about things. That would be why. I am understanding as I know others have their own issues. I just have to move through this heartbreak.

I honestly had a meltdown today. I cried my eyes out for a change and I still feel like crying. I want to cry myself to sleep. I am losing the light and in a place of darkness. He asks me today where do I think I will be in five years? I will either be here in this same place lost or I will be dead and long gone.

I am so tired of my bipolar ruining my life. I don’t know why it has erupted. I was doing OK on my new med but for some reason I am cycling again. I have been taking it every night (the medicine). I can’t keep doing this. I keep screwing things up in every direction of my life. I hate that I have done nothing and I am going nowhere. My life is frozen. I don’t have any hope really anymore. I didn’t want to say that today but it’s true at least today. I’d like to say my child and my husband give me hope but honestly I only drag them and everyone else down. I hate this beast depression. It is killing me every time it comes. How many times am I going to be able to fight it? Jesus I am 30 and I can’t do this much longer. This is a battle I lose a little more each time I fight it.

I am losing the light and in a very dreary place of darkness. I may have lost my way now…

Question is will I find it again?


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