pure unrelenting sadness and pain

I sit here and wonder, what is going on when you cross that threshold between life and death. what do you see and feel? Do you fear the transition as it is happening or is there peace? I had a dream last night that I committed suicide. I have had similar dreams in the past. These dreams always break me down. They drain me. I know sadness fills my mind most days and some days I am exceptionally happy but I just feel like sometimes I have had enough. Enough of all of it. I guess that is why I dream of what I would otherwise do in my waking hours. I know now I can’t do that so I dream it. Some may say it would be more of a nightmare but for me it isn’t quite a nightmare. I am detached in my dreams from reality. I just wonder where MY place is in this world. If I don’t have a place then why am I still hanging on? So there must be a place. I am tired of the thoughts invading my brain causing my heart to feel broken. I don’t want to be so compassionate. I don’t want to be so emotional and sensitive. I don’t know that I will ever beat this. As good as I feel some days I really think this will be the end of me one day. I don’t know that I can continue to fight until old age. I guess time will tell. Today is a weak day.

I can hold back my tears today but not my sadness. Dammit I am tired of this- TIRED. Damn hope, it really is the strength of your soul and body fighting for it’s life. In our natural body it sure does do it’s best to fight to stay alive. Years ago I cracked, lost it for some time in a breakdown and I felt like I couldn’t come out of myself. I couldn’t speak because the sadness was so strong. Some days I wish I didn’t snap out of a breakdown, then those demons wouldn’t torture me as much anymore, because I would be gone in my mind.

This probably makes no sense to anyone…just pondering thoughts and feelings I suppose…Maybe I am out of my mind.


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