So my health had suffered a bit the last week but things are looking up, at least for my personal health I guess. I was approved for my Remicade infusions for my RA. In a few weeks I should receive my first infusion and subsequent ones if all goes well. I really hope this improves my pain, stiffness and fatigue. I would like to at least feel normal physically for awhile- aside from my recent kidney problems which I am hoping will respond to my new med. I am about due it I should think. Mentally I am still unsure where I am today. My doctor increased my medication dosage for my depression and mania. I did have a very stressful weekend a week ago. It was so out of control I spent many minutes or hours doing nothing but crying and mostly alone by myself. I am conditioning myself and reminding myself that in my current stress I must remain indifferent. I have to do this for my own sake and my family relationship’s sakes. If I can just continue to feel indifferent and not forget and hold back then I think I just might survive that stress.
I have learned over the past week or so that there are relationships and friendships worth my time with true loved ones and others that I have grieved and been grieving that just drain me emotionally. I understand as a human and in my past I too have been a needy friend but I learned that this is not conducive to a true friendship. You must give as well as take in life with most things. Of course I also have learned some relationships are very needy, more so than I have ever been and just completely draining. I realized that unfortunately in life there are some of those who use ideas or language to pull my strings and are not considerate of my own personal trials. This isn’t all negative because I too realize the more you give and have true friendships the better you feel emotionally. I am lucky enough to have a few friends that are true amazing people.
People can accept me also for who I am and I can accept those I want to accept. I am a good person deep down and full of love. If others cannot see that including family then I should at least see it in myself and love myself. I also should realize when others try to manipulate me and my feelings.
Relationships are a funny thing and I am always learning.