So there went the month of mania. And in rolls the depression. Slowly and not so crashing this time but it is definitely there. Will have to hold on for another ride. Nothing like a playful cat to get you to smile a little and maybe laugh.
My RA pain is still around but maybe not as bad since my infusion. Next week is the second infusion. Holding onto hope it will ease the physical pain but you know what? The physical pain keeps me distracted from my mental pain. Nope it doesn’t increase it in me but distracts me and sometimes I welcome the distraction. Could be why the thoughts of cutting have always been there and why I went through that in the past. Now I don’t and never did have as severe of a problem as others, mine was minor by most standards and probably why when the going got tough I seriously considered and tried my out.
I don’t honestly know how this new depressive episode will go but I do feel pretty down and lost. For years I have heard what I title “white noise” but last night while I laid in bed I hear a very clear and in your face woman’s voice speaking. Now I fell asleep after it scared me to death but I got through it. Never have I ever heard voices like that, just my white noise and now I am spiraling downward. How odd I would go down after that experience, I fully expected some mania again. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? Voices = mania?? OK not technically voices right? Such confusion when trying to understand being ill. Not like the voices told me to do anything bad, just mindless chatter in my ear but new nonetheless and terrifying. Is it a signal my bipolar is getting worse? A signal my medicine is not doing it’s job? What DID happen to my brain? Just a glitch I don’t know.
I am holding out for a miracle to get me through the next week and the next month. There is just too much going on and important people relying on me. I don’t know that I can manage a month of staying and going and going. Sure wish that manic episode was laid upon me this month, the next four weeks that is… I guess we can’t control it and well I never could. Who can? It’s my brain and it does it’s own thing and handles thoughts it’s own way. DO we think from our heart? I believe that is what the Egyptian’s thought.. Sometimes I feel I do think with my heart.