Round and Round we Go

Hey out there!  I am tired today. I spent all of yesterday crying my eyes out. I hate crying because it gives me a headache and dries my eyes out but I suppose it’s nice once in awhile. To release it. I felt better today I think. At the moment in quite a mood. I just want to listen to my music extremely loud and dance. Dancing in the rain would be fun too!  Or maybe just scream at the top of my lungs until I get hoarse. Hit a pillow, chop a tree down SOMETHING. Something different, fresh, new and FULL of activity. My RA has had a great past two days GREAT. Not sure if it’s my infusions but I sure have felt physically awesome. I hope it continues. HOPE oh my that is ALL I have most days. Hope to make it through my struggles ALL of them. I am just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop though because it tends to always do when I am on top.

I want some way to show the world I do have hope! I am fighting against everything that is against me. I most obviously feel strong today and I have these days- what I choose to do with them is another story but today I feel great. I haven’t felt physically great in so long. Even when manic I don’t feel on top because I know I will crash at some point and I keep pushing until I am exhausted. Such a strange feeling to feel positive and full of life! Wanting to dance my heart out. When manic all I do is push myself until I break and no sleep when that happens. I haven’t felt so called ‘normal’ in well over a year but it seems to be coming back to me. I hope hope hope I am right about it.

I am tired though of being left behind by my family, the last to know everything and the last to be called. I am tired of none of them caring about me and what is going on in my life. I reach out to them and my efforts are fruitless. Why don’t they truly want anything to do with me? I don’t know. Why do they tell me last if they even tell me at all? Anything important and I get left behind and it hurts to even be left behind in the minor things. I am tired of being hurt! I can’t stop loving them though. I can’t stop caring about their lives and how they are doing. Why is it so easy for them to do this about me and my life? I bleed emotion and wear my heart on my sleeve. I can’t help it, it’s who I am. I have to play tough when things break down badly and act like it doesn’t hurt. I have EVERYTHING backwards when it comes to emotion.

It appears I don’t care but I hide in a room and cry, cry for others and for myself sometimes. But I dare not show emotion. When I enter that car after you have hurt me stranger I cry. I cry because you hurt me. I cry because you were rude to me or yelled at me. I cry because you don’t understand. I cry because my heart hurts. I have cried because of treatment in doctor’s offices by doctors or nurses or staff. I have cried because others don’t understand and I have cried mr. counselor at the questions you ask me especially about my future. THIS is why I don’t come back. This is why I hide- because I can’t cry in front of you.


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