I hate late nights of insomnia. I sit and stare at the computer screen hoping to occupy myself… Sometimes I give in and toss and turn until some sort of semblance of sleep hits me. I don’t like the insomnia and it has gotten worse since my last surgery. It makes me feel weak during the day, tired and lost at night with so many things on my mind. I can’t seem to get a handle on the sleep thing. I would probably stay up a week straight if I didn’t have some  medicine to help. I think my longest stint was three days and then I crashed into sleep. Most of those with bipolar are awake for days because they are manic, but me? I don’t sleep just because the wind is blowing in the wrong direction. It also doesn’t help that my pain medicine inhibits my sleep. If the pain isn’t keeping me up from RA it’s the pain medicine to treat the RA! How does one manage that? I can’t stop taking medicine for the pain because sometimes it is so bad I can’t move and moving causes tears.

Sometimes I want to cry but can’t and when I don’t want to cry I do. Never can get that right. I am tired though, tired of fighting everything. If I gave in I would die but I keep fighting because I am stubborn and I have strength. By die I mean I would give up and giving up right now is NOT an option. I have too much hope. That’s not a bad thing by any means. There were times I had no hope and chose to end my life but the hospital got me back to life again and I am forever grateful. I can’t go backwards, I must move forward. I hate late nights. I hate when I have nothing to do. I want to live my life and not live the way I am living now. I need an outlet, I need change and I need to go places. I am still too young to be living like this.


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