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OK so had a major crying fest the other night. I must have cried for three hours and it was awful. I had to make an emergency appointment with my pdoc to get back under control. Things were just spiraling out of control and fast. Not sure what happened other than a lot of stress which has also caused a flare but I feel a little better tonight. I spent all day in a huge fog leaving things out in weird places and leaving cabinets open which is a pet peeve of mine. My head was completely backwards all day and so fatigued. I felt 50 pounds heavier  and trudging through sludge. Tonight I feel better, only problem is NOW it’s time to sleep and does sleep come? Not yet but I feel on the cusp of tired sleepiness. The song below is pretty accurate to how I’ve been feeling. Lost in wonderland but standing as strong as I can. Guess that is why I always loved the book and movie so much for Alice in wonderland. I can’t do another mini breakdown. I really thought I was going to just kill myself that night. I couldn’t take it anymore. Thoughts of thinking I’ll never get better, things in  my life financially would and will never change and never getting better mentally either. My hope was fading fast and I HAD lost all hope. It was gone and I was ready this time to finally end it. A lot of my family doesn’t understand why I treat my illnesses and why I take all of the medicine I do but I don’t like suffering and this medicine, all of it, gives me SOME stability physically AND mentally. I need that because if I didn’t have it I wouldn’t be able to live. I couldn’t do it. God also has helped me through so much. My friends have helped me through so much, Internet and real life but the medicine helps so much too. So two more new meds and hoping to God they help.

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