Other

Secrets

So the med change may not be going so well. My kidneys don’t seem to be handling the lithium. I think I had this problem last time and will now have to call my nephrologist again. I am sad to see this happen because I respond well to lithium. I have had intense kidney pain all day and into the night…I think I have been on the lithium a week now and it has seemingly built up in my system causing intense back and front pain radiating from the kidney areas. Well so it’s back to the drawing board. I so wanted this to work too. My mood has also plummeted tonight, well this evening and has not gone back up sadly. I just feel so left out sometimes being sick. No one will ever understand unless they have been in this position. I feel like I am looked at as lazy but I don’t know if that’s how they really look at me. Everyone who seems to love me acts sort of in denial that I have these problems. It makes me so damn angry at myself for being sick because I can’t be normal no matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I try I can’t be like them, like everyone else. I lived in denial long enough on my own but now I have to deal with others denial. Sometimes I just wish I could get my break and there would be some understanding from those I care about. My heart honestly hurts because I can’t be like them, I wish I could will it away and be like everyone else but I can’t. I will never be normal and I will never do normal things. Maybe I am in denial. Maybe if I accepted it better I wouldn’t care what other people thought. So my song for tonight is Secrets by One Republic.

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