Invisible Chronic Illness.
I hate it. I hate that it’s invisible. Even those closest to me are blinded when they don’t realize they are. It’s in my face everyday and every night. I need assistance sometimes and there is none or if there is it comes with baggage. Preconceived notions that I am lazy or that it’s something I could do because the other person can do it. I am tired of no tolerance. I am tired of lack of understanding. I am tired of IGNORANCE. I wish I could scream at people who are intolerant or who just don’t get it. I am so tired so very tired. My husband made a comment to me today and I am not sure if he was messing around with me but it sort of touched a nerve and hurt me. He said “you’re so lucky I drop you off and pick you up at the door”. Now he could have said this in jest to mess with me or he could have said it because he wanted me to notice he was doing something nice for me but it sort of hurt. I said only when I am with you do I get this service and nothing else was said. Looking back on it I felt like I was being told I am lucky and that I am like every other normal woman and can walk down a long parking lot and deal with it but he was being kind. Yes, he was being kind but I feel like he just forgot I am not like other women my age. I can’t walk a long parking lot. I have invisible chronic illnesses that can make walking almost impossible. I deal with kidney problems alone that wear me down. Fatigue from my RA, fatigue from my B deficiency and being tired from hypothyroidism. God help me if I get a migraine because I can’t leave my bed for two days sometimes. Some days I feel like I honestly cannot fight these battles and a little something like opening my door for me means the world.
Something has happened. We have pulled apart and I don’t know why or when this occurred. He never reads this blog so he may never know this has occurred. I don’t know that he feels it too. My heart just breaks and breaks because things have changed. Less passion, less life and it’s like we move in passing. If I do need assistance it is done with great reluctance. He gets tired, I get that but I just feel so… withdrawn or feel he has withdrawn.
So I am tired of being sick. I am tired of this all being invisible. I hate this and I hate what has happened to my life.