They say trauma begins the process if you already have the gene. So maybe I am fragile. I don’t know. I just know I can’t have a real relationship. It’s too hard and I’ve constantly brushed aside what happened to me. Now I have bipolar and chronic illness. I am in mental and physical pain constantly. Life is beginning to be too much for me. This happened once before and the hospital got me back but not until after I overdosed twice.
I am numb and sad at the same time. I feel like digging a blade into my skin or taking enough pills to make me forget. I won’t do it I don’t think but I want to. It’s a fight I deal with often but more so now, just like before. No one could possibly understand all this. No one could ever get the way I feel. How does one survive with so much mental and physical pain? I lost my sister three almost four years ago in a traumatic car accident. I still haven’t dealt with that. I sort of compartmentalize in my brain. It goes into the back section for later use. Still living in denial after almost four years. Still living in denial since I was 12. Still living in denial from when I was 17. There is a reason for everything but what is it? How can I handle anything else? I can’t. There is no more room upstairs. I finally trusted someone as a teenager, fell madly in love and what did he do? He abandoned me. He dropped me like I was nothing. Another reason to not trust and not give wholly.
So now I try to live a normal life and when something stressful happens, I can’t take it because I am full up on everything else. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take in anything else. My body mentally and physically is breaking down to nothing. Everyone and everything has taken so much from me. I have nothing left.
There is nothing left and when I’m in the darkness of hell there is nothing left for me to hold onto.