Well here it is almost Christmas and it seems to be harder than ones in the past. It’s not a money or gift issue it’s an emotional issue. What’s going on? I can’t make sense of it but I think I miss my sister. At least before I was able to go see her when I wanted during the holidays but now this year it’s more like denial is wearing off and reality is setting in. Instead of feeling like I should live every day like it’s my last, reality just bites me hard and I am pushed down. Emotionally and physically pushed down. What’s there to celebrate? I thought it was being with family and yea of course Jesus’ birth but mostly about having family together but there is a piece of us missing. With a piece of us missing it doesn’t seem right, I don’t feel joyful and all those wonderful Christmas feelings you feel. She has been gone almost four years. I guess it’s taken almost four years for the denial to start to wear away. I feel like I have been on a one way track out of control since it happened. Maybe life is settling. Maybe life is reality for me. After all, it’s all about denial and the peeling away of the layers of grief. I have to go through it all but why it comes and goes in odd orders is beyond me. Why the denial now? I could live the rest of my life in denial. That would be OK.