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SecRets of InsaniTy

Secrets. my entire life is lived by secrets. Secrets from those I love, secrets from those I just know. I’d like to give my secrets away and I have tried to before but some just don’t get me or so they move on. I disappear. From them, from everyone, I fade into the background as if I was never there. Lost, lonely and afraid I carry these secrets with me, in my heart and in my mind. They tear at my soul. I want so badly to have others understand. To have others GET me. I get feelings of strength but they soon fade away. I am a lonely soul because I won’t let go. So I fade into everyone’s background. Forgotten like a forgotten piece of paper. Junk. I need a friend, a real friend. One who doesn’t judge and one who understands. Does that exist? I don’t know.

For the one I adore: I want you to hold my hand and to love me. Touch my arm or my hair. Look into my eyes and say I love you. Please don’t let me fade into the background. Please don’t allow me to feel alone. Please hug me. I need you. I always needed you. You are so much appreciated. If insanity is loving you, I’ll take insanity any day.

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One thought on “SecRets of InsaniTy

  1. I read and reread your entries. I never know what to say. I’m so lost in my own pain and insanity anymore that I can’t me doing anyone any good right now. No. No one ever wants to hear about our ills. Especially those we love the most. I think it’s not because they are tired of it. Or maybe I hope…but I think it’s because they can’t bear it. All they know is that the one they love is hurting…again. And there is not one damn thing they can do about it. He can’t take away the pain. And after so many times of trying, it starts to hurt him. This sucks so hard. It’s not fair. Not only do we get to live in this f’d world of crazy but we get all that b**** of a pain too. What purpose is there for it? Only one I can see…when I’m not so lost in this wasteland I call a mind… to help others. I’m so sorry that I haven’t had much to say lately. I start to type out this really long and involved response and then suddenly feel like it’s just not right or something…then I delete it. You just aren’t alone. More than anything, I want you to know that. You’re not. and you’re not invisible. Not to me. I just wish I knew what the hell to say.

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