No hand reaching into my darkness

So it’s just about Christmas. You know what screw Christmas. What good is it to celebrate it? I am tired of things the way they happen in my life. I had a great day sure. Maybe. I don’t know. It was very passionate. I feel however lost. I still get that weird mixed up feeling inside like I don’t know anything. Like I never knew anything. Like I always thought I was in this one place but I ended up elsewhere. I have been making so many mistakes. Things I could have fixed had I just thought harder about them. Life has a way of throwing flips, flops, U-turns and runarounds. Anger has it’s own place in depression. Anger has it’s own place in mania. I panicked. I cried, I screamed and I begged you to work this with me and you didn’t fight. No one fights. Am I really that less important? Everyone leaves, everyone walks away because I’m not worth it and I am sure you will too. Eventually. Because I always deserve less. And when I reach out from the darkness there is no one there. I am sucked back into my vortex of hell with no rescuer. I think you have fallen out of love with me, if you ever were in love … with me. Cold, dark days move into my mind. Please God I can’t do this again.


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