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Destruction Calls

I honestly think someone should call this the ill chapters of my life. Seriously, the whole thing is f-ed up, messed up and torn. My life? Who am I kidding. This is someone else living this life. I am just an autopilot. Do I think I’ll be saved? This is hell I am living hell. Devoid of a normal existence. I wish I was devoid of thought with my autopilot. Instead I bear the pain of thought. Sitting alone thinking. Having past thoughts of destruction, or present? Which is it? I don’t know anymore. I don’t mean destruction of property either. Destruction of my existence. No I am here or I wouldn’t be typing this. Just because the thought is there… doesn’t mean it happens. When I was gone, down there, thoughts of destruction were there. The ocean was calling me. The moon. The destruction was calling me. Streets were calling me at 3 AM. A gun had called me at 4 but it was not to happen. Sure someone was there, my soon to be husband might have hated him but he saved my life on a few occasions. Nor would I ever tell him of the horrors that lived in my head while I was there. What the hell was I doing there? What the hell was I doing with my life ? I don’t know. What am I doing with my life? I don’t know. I blog … that’s it. Just a place. Somewhere or is it anywhere? To get my thoughts out and who the hell knows. Dammit why can’t I be devoid of thought, devoid of all and live in trance, a trance… Who am I living for? Not myself but someone else.

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One thought on “Destruction Calls

  1. Kate..
    Im worried about you šŸ˜¦

    This doesnt sound like just the blues here.
    Ive been to about the darkest places you can go in
    the mind, and it is a total nightmare.

    I’m glad your reaching out and sharing this.
    Im not a doctor so im no good at this but i’d
    say you need a little help. I feel a lot better
    on my anti depressant lexapro…even if the nightmare
    they call life is still there, i can cope a little better.

    I dont want to loose you, your a good kind caring person and such a help to us all.

    I’m sorry your so down, ill help if i can, but im
    a mess too lol šŸ™‚

    Like

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