So I have been trying my hardest to get through my emotions. No reason really to feel sad but I do. I honestly feel like I have no one to go to about all of this either. So I listen to upbeat music and it helps but when the song is over, my feeling isn’t over. What then? How does one keep a consistent positive optimism? Things seem to be falling into place for all of my friends and I am truly happy for them. I just wish I could share in what positiveness is going on in their lives. Instead I feel like I am thrown by the wayside. I just want a friend. A friend who understands me. Who will be there for me. A few times in my life I thought I had that but it just didn’t seem to continue that way. So as usual it is my feelings that are hurt. So I am feeling depressed. I honestly don’t know how to handle that. I have Klonopin again for my anxiety and it helps, I think I am talking less in my sleep yet still texting. Probably the most embarrassing thing I have done is text people while sleeping. I think my husband got the strangest text out of them all. Speaks loads for how lonely I must feel.
No more Remicade infusions. They are just too expensive with my co-insurance. After discussing all of my options which this in itself is depressing, I have to try Humira again. I carry the ankylosying spondylitis diagnosis and there just aren’t many options out there as far as FDA approved treatment. I feel so alienated from everything and everyone. I feel alone. I feel like no one understands anything and no one wants to talk. I feel my happiness slipping quickly from my grasp- from inside my soul. I feel like my light is fading, like I am dying but surely it’s just the absence of happiness and peace. Right?