God Help me Before the Destruction

Wow. There it is. The depression which seems to seep in when I least expect it. I am going through a med change and not well as I thought I would be. I started out irritable and now the depression. Thanks. I just wish could find something else to work. I don’t want to take Seroquel anymore but it’s the only thing that keeps the damn devil away. The doctor mentioned a new medication, maybe I can try that. I am sensitive to everything and tired. Very big signs the big one is coming. The big crash. Do I ignore it? Do I call the doctor? Do I wait? I am burning down in flames albeit slowly but it’s there. I can feel it. That deep feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sort of like swallowing a lead ball and it sits and waits in my stomach. The no longer wanting to dance. No longer wanting to be motivated. Feelings of sadness and destruction, feeling the depths of despair. But I also go through this with the full moon, up and then down. I hate it. So maybe it’s a transition and it will go away. I can only hope with every fiber of my being that this will pass. I don’t feel so desperate I am in a complete bad place but feel the rush of it coming. First the storm comes and then the tornado. Am I out of control? Should I cry? Will it make a difference? Hell is coming. It’s filling my mind. Fire burns in my soul but someone is putting it out- DAMN them! Don’t take my fire away. I just want peace. No heartbreak, no sadness and no tears. I want serenity and calm of mind. Feeling this way brings back all the things I have done wrong, even those I thought I had forgiven myself for. Those I had forgiven others for doing to me. Was everything my fault? Has it always been? Am I a bad person? Is my sadness always justified? I hate myself and dare I say, my life. I can’t keep exhausting myself. It only brings everything on and my brain is too stimulated with thought. God help me before the tornado of emotion gets here. God help me before the destruction.


One thought on “God Help me Before the Destruction

  1. Hang on girl! You’re not alone. Forgive yourself. Don’t let the devil win and knock you back down. have you tried Abilify? It did help me for a time when Seroquel was giving me tremors. I’m always here for you, praying and I mean it–ANY time…you need to talk, please don’t hesitate. Inbox me on FB and I’ll get back to you soon as possible. If you don’t still have my number, I can inbox that too. (((Huge Hugs!!!))


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