Demon of depression increasing in my brain. Nowhere for it to escape. It was slowly approaching. I felt it coming. The switch was slow but I ignored it too long. Or maybe we didn’t, I don’t know. The cycling never stops, it never does. How many months will the beast of depression last this time? The MAOI is still leaving my body and I haven’t even begun the new medicine to try to squash it. That will also take weeks. Will my brain last? How many episodes before my brain is so fried I cannot use it anymore? Damage, damage, damage! I’m so tired. Maybe months of insomnia and going will do that to you or maybe mania. Maybe months of no depression and then being hit in the brain with the beast by a sledge hammer will cause the tiredness, I don’t know. either way, will I survive is what I begin to wonder just like so many times before. The question reverberates through my brain like a boomerang bouncing back and forth. Will I make it? Will I survive this beast, this demon again? And what happens when I am not so tired but the demon still terrorizes me? What then? Back to cutting? So I can destroy my family? “That is unacceptable,” I tell myself that, over and over I tell myself that. “Have courage and be strong, Me.” This physical pain is temporary…. This mental pain is what gets me. I know it will come back and torture me and I will have to deal with it again. It is more painful than anything physical. At least at some point with physical you can pass out. With mental you just lose it. Your brain decides a nervous breakdown is nice and you hide inside yourself. You are screaming to get out but you are lost inside yourself. Another one?
Quit damaging me. Quit sickening me. Get out of my head!