Trapped by AS and Illness

I am so tired and a mess of disease. Nothing works right in this body of mine. I cannot will it to work right and it won’t work right. I am sick of the doctors and the specialists. I am sick of dragging my family down. How is it they even know WHO to love. I am a mess of disease from head to toe. My brain doesn’t function as well as my organs. I am trapped, completely trapped. If I … well I won’t say it. I am tired of the chemo. I am tired of the biologic medicine. I am tired of the PAIN inside my head and outside my body. I am tired of it ripping through my body. I need some form of control. I am struggling. Struggling with my head. No one understands. No one could possibly. I don’t know anyone in this world as screwed up. I am tired of fighting myself. This demon that lives inside my body has got to go. How long can one go tortured? I close my eyes hoping the pain in my head subsides but when I open my eyes the scene is the same, thoughts are the same and feelings the same. I can’t even cry anymore. Maybe if I hold my breath it will go away and I can suffocate it. No it would never work. It leeches off my living breathing body. It won’t die until I die. It will live inside me forever. There is no cure. No cure for anything inside my body. I can’t accept it. It is the single most hardest thing to accept in my head. That this demon will never be gone, only suppressed at times… the cycle will continue forever and the pain from my body and AS will always continue forever. Indefinitely. I will always struggle. That brings the tears, the mental pain increases and sickness in my stomach. I am trapped. Trapped forever in this body. May my soul one day be set free.


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