Other

Guilt Should be My Name

What can I say? Guilt is my life. I live guilt every day. It’s something I eat, breathe and sleep with. It might as well be my name. I sit and cry alone, sometimes in the bathroom, sometimes in the dark stillness of the night in my room when my husband is asleep. When the world is quiet I am alone crying because I feel guilty that I am not normal. I can’t provide financially for my family because I am sick. I can’t take care of the things around the house like I would like to or that need to because I am sick. So things degrade around here quickly and thus guilt ensues in my head and heart. That I cannot be like everyone else- I cannot work nor provide. I cannot be the perfect mother, perfect sister, perfect daughter or perfect wife. I feel like I have failed. Guilt eats my soul alive until there is nothing left of me. I don’t sleep anymore because the depression from the guilt tears me apart. I feel some days like I can’t take anymore air into my lungs and some days I wish I couldn’t take anymore air into my lungs. My eyes are burning with tears today. Today was a day for guilt. It ate away at my heart and my soul. It is winning this fight and coupled with the chronic pain I feel some days I might die and wishing only for death increases my mental anguish and guilty feelings. There will be an end to this sometime, I have the choice to either allow it to happen when it is supposed to happen, or pick when it is supposed to happen. Either way…. I will live the rest of my life always feeling remorse. Remorse for thoughts, feelings and actions. Remorse for being disabled. Remorse for being sick. Remorse for not being what I view as the perfect person. I will never stop feeling guilty. Guilt should be my name.

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