Moving Forward with Stability

So it’s been awhile, about a month. I have spent this time getting stable and been very busy in my life. I attempted to get ECT going and things ended up turning around because insurance would not approve the ECT at the local hospital. So now I am back on lithium and Emsam patch but my insurance won’t cover the Emsam patch. Got to love insurance. For the first time in a year I feel stable. No more mood swings or deep, dark despair. I finally feel free from the chains that were suppressing me for so long. Only problem is the lithium stops most of my creativity. I will take that trade off though. I would much rather have this than the darkness enveloping my brain daily and nightly. I honestly don’t know how I held on as long as I did. I was hospitalized but managed to not kill myself. True strength if you ask me. I have been very weak in some fragile moments in the past. Spent many times drinking charcoal in the hospital, not an experience I recommend to anyone. So yes, I will take the stability over creativity.

I have been on lithium in the past and had a good four to five years of stability but had to go off of it due to some stomach/kidney problems but we are giving it another shot. I am glad because it has proven to work before and is working even at a low dose now. Don’t know what my blood level is right now but I am bumping it up in a day like the dr. requested so we will see how my body tolerates. Maybe it will help me sleep better at the higher dose… Maybe a little insomnia is a little mania right now and the higher lithium will help though I don’t feel manic in the least bit I just can’t sleep. I have had issues before with insomnia, for years. Of course it doesn’t help when you wake in physical pain from AS. My right hip and SI joint were killing me this morning when I woke. Not to mention my spine. I have a new mattress but it feels great to lay on.

so …. life is slowing down finally and I just worry that now it is slowing down so will my mood but I still have to go up on the lithium and maybe that will make a difference. I am crossing my fingers the lithium is the answer again along with the Emsam and we must not forget the Abilify and Klonopin. I have already written a letter to my insurance requesting coverage for the Emsam because it has been proven to be the only antidepressant to not fail for me. I am doubtful they will approve my request but we will see. Again, crossing my fingers and everything I can cross! ~


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