It’s now 5:20 AM and the less you know the better. Someone has come in the night and stuck an ice pick in my back. Or at least that’s how intense the pain feels this morning. I am surprised I was able to get out of bed. Let’s just say I protested to God when I sat up that I didn’t want to- out loud. I have it sitting here staring at me. Just toying with me this morning. I cannot stand the pain anymore and it screams in my face take these and it will be all better. No more pain, no more suffering- physically or mentally. I asked my husband what would he feel if I took my own life and he said he would be … well now I cannot remember…. but I think he said hurt. He said somewhat like he would feel like it was his fault I was so miserable enough to do such a thing but I told him it’s not his fault my brain is wired wrong and it’s not his fault I am in constant pain. He cannot possibly begin to fix those things nor are they ever from him. I am anxious and agitated this morning. Wrestling with many thoughts on top of my pain. I don’t think I would ever be forgiven but it’s not something I would choose lightly either. No one knows my real pain except me. So, it’s now 5:30 AM and the demons have caught up with me. These things sitting here toying with me, these things are agitating me and I just keep thinking- what if one thing in one more moment happened and I regretted forever afterward? There IS no going back. DO I just want help? I don’t think there is any help anymore though. I feel like I have exhausted everything and tried everything. A secret kept within me for awhile now is revealed. If I wasn’t such an indecisive person all the time I am sure this decision would have been made but IS it a light decision to be made I don’t know. It’s easy, yes or no, give in to the madness or somehow survive the madness and find a way out. God knows I have been searching for a way out. He knows more than anyone. So in this deafening silence of the morning, before the sun rises, do I move to strike or wait it out longer… that is the million dollar question. Am I strong enough to get through more of this? It’s now 6 AM and I have played around too long trying to decide the right things to say. I wish I could reach out and use that phone to talk to someone but I know therein lies judgement from whoever is on the other end. what a waste- everything is anymore.