10 days… I don’t think I have really moved from this spot, in 10 days. Well I did go to one appointment in those ten days- to see the pulmonologist and that went ok. Other than that I do nothing but sleep. Sleep to get away from pain, physical and mental. It’s amazing what you can sleep through when you are extremely depressed. I only venture to other rooms when needed and get up to help my daughter when she needs me which isn’t too often now that she is older. I figure if I sleep then I can avoid the world and avoid my physical pain but in the morning I am at my worst, the pain is so bad i cannot sleep through it. I sit and cry that is when I am not holding my breath from the pain. My husband wakes briefly at 3 or 4 AM when I wake in pain and asks me, “your back again?” and all I can say when I am able is yes under my breath and then I manage to go to the living room and hold back tears on most mornings. If I cannot hold back the tears I end up in a sob fest for hours thinking my life is not worth living anymore because if my doctor doesn’t care about my pain, why should anyone else? I have to wait hours to even use the bathroom because the pain is so bad. So by the time I do my bladder and kidneys are suffering, probably the reason I have kidney problems.
I cannot fathom even getting up to make myself something to eat anymore, breakfast or lunch but I am lucky and my husband will come home and cook. I feel entirely guilty leaving that to him every day but I feel immobilized like I cannot move anymore to do anything. I emailed my psychiatrist over last weekend and was completely honest with him, even scheduled myself to see him last Tuesday but canceled at the last minute Monday night because i just had so much anxiety and depression I couldn’t go. He called yesterday wondering about the email and where I was yesterday. I didn’t answer the call because I avoid the phone and everyone now. I did however reach out and called his office this morning and I am waiting on a return call today, now it’s up to me to answer that return call, it’s killing me right now. I am trying everything in my power to not avoid the phone and be brave. There is no telling what time he will return the call but he is the only one that can help me through this. No one else can. If he even can. I am sitting and waiting to die and that just isn’t going to work. No one gets it. I am fighting terrible spinal and neck stiffness today and the pain in my neck is so bad it still has not gone and I have been up for hours. I want to go back to sleep to ignore it but I am trying my hardest to stick it out. I feel so… despondent anymore. No one gets it, no one cares and everyone assumes the answers are so easy. When they aren’t.