I wish it was Enough….(Love)

No the answers never are easy- nor is life or the truth of it all. I spent the week up until Thanksgiving day in the hospital after a dreadful night. A night I will never forget though I was out of my right mind at the time. It still leaves an imprint. I fought hard in the hospital to get stable this time and to maintain stability and I had no one come see me. I had to search for friends to reach out to, someone to lean on for support out in the world. My spouse was bitter and angry at me and still is or rather is finished. I was told over the phone to move out with my daughter the day before Thanksgiving. I finally was able to pour my heart out to him and explain that I have an illness we both have been misunderstanding for a long time, I had learned so much more about it in that last week than I had ever known. I had worked so hard to fix things with myself but it was not heard. My tears poured for no reason but only to release them from my own body- my own release but I found no release. My heart was torn and is torn into a million pieces. Any pain I had suffered was magnified by a thousand. I couldn’t breathe and I still have yet to catch my breath. I don’t feel the desire to eat or drink, shaking and fumbling around this world looking through everything instead of at things or at people. I don’t see the upcoming holidays, I ignore them. I only feel cold and I feel the dark storm cloud over my head- it follows me everywhere I go. I don’t sleep and when sleep finds me I dream of his face. There is no reprieve. Then I wake this morning to cold rain outside which aggravates my AS in my spine and not only do I have pain all day in my spine but my heart hurts. My lithium keeps me from being tortured to death but I feel at times that one wrong step and I just might slip and all because my life has been put out of balance. My best friend and the man I love is gone from my life forever. There is nothing I can do to get that back now. I have to somehow move on and put my feet forward. How do you do that after 12 years together? When you are no longer yourself but a half of someone else? How does the other person move on so easily? I WAS happy with him. Just because I have depression doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I loved and I loved hard- evidently too much. Now I am all but broken but still loving. I guess it was all my fault. I wasn’t good enough. Maybe one day I will be enough for the right person but I can only be who I am. He knew who I was when he met me. I would have never let go. Never. I love him. I don’t know if that will ever go away. I wish it was enough. And since you never let me have real closure- I love you, I always have and I wish you would have hugged me goodbye when you left me at the hospital.


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