Life has a funny way of showing you things. God has a funny way of answering and sure enough there are weird ways of seeing people for who they truly are. Something might really hurt in the beginning to only open your eyes in the end and make you realize that what has transpired was indeed better for you. You make your way through it all in the beginning full of hurt and anger or even rage denying the sadness and loss but eventually you must deal with the grief and realize you have to feel the feelings. You must process everything to get through it and you do. Little things come along and surprise or shock you only to bring the anger or grief back but I have felt those emotions and pushed through them. I have realized there is only complete closure left and time to move on. There IS no reason to drag anything out or on. I could care less what they are doing with their life. It’s not my business. What’s my business is getting things completed and finished. That’s all I want.
My child however is full of hurt. She has remained quiet for years about things she wishes she would have spoken up about. She remained in fear for years and never told me. This really hurts me because as a mother I should have seen this or known. I always thought she could come to me but on these things she felt she couldn’t. She cried in front of me and I held her for awhile the other day, something she hasn’t done since she was very little. This has truly affected her and it deeply hurts me. More than anything in this world I never wanted her to feel hurt or afraid but she was. Crying behind closed doors, hiding trapped feelings, afraid to speak, and hiding from the yelling. There is so much more.
How could I ignore the red flags? How could I miss everything so easily? My bipolar was out of control because I was so entirely depressed but I was depressed because my life was in shambles with my marriage and my environment. On top of that my home had black mold. Since I have been thrown out by him my health problems have completely disappeared and my bipolar symptoms are doing way better. But I had so much going on I was missing everything right in front of my face! The control that was over me, the person that was trying to change who I was- I lost who I was, I was in the middle of manipulation and control so much I was in a constant state of confusion. BUT that is over now, things are clearer, I know who I am and I am getting back to me. I am giving my daughter as much love and care that she needs and getting us back to a real life.
NO more crying behind closed doors. NO more yelling. NO more control and manipulation. NO more feeling afraid. We are taking our life back.