I will miss you. I am glad you lived a long life but I am so sad that I didn’t get to say goodbye in person. I am so grateful I made the choice to call you and speak with you from your hospital bed because you were gone only as much as 48 hours later. The advice you told me I will never forget, and I will never forget your voice I promise you that. I regret all the times I passed up to stop by because I was thinking of myself but there are so many more moments I can be thankful for. You did so many wonderful things for us and were always a strong person. Your strength lives within me. It makes me so happy knowing you were happy to hear from me before you went. I wasn’t ready for this but you said you were even as quickly as it came but I don’t think the others ever really are ready. Please say hi to Liz for me, I miss her so much and now I will miss you too. And it’s not even over yet. While I grieve for you, I grieve for the illness that encompasses the body of another I love. When will this madness stop? I don’t know. It’s stage IV. Stage IV. And they are talking palliative. Life is just hitting blow after blow. If I don’t have madness in my mind now, then I will later- and her? Will she make it after all this? If I were her- I don’t know that I would be able to hang onto sanity and if I would even keep from ending my own life. I have so much fear over what this will do to her. She has a lot of strength but everyone eventually breaks.
I watch the butterflies in the day and think of Liz, and look at the stars at night- thinking of many. Those who are alive in this world but no longer in my life or those who live very far away that are in my life whom I love dearly and those who are now gone but will never be forgotten. The moon here also reminds me just how very small and how little control we have over our lives.
The older I get, the more sadness I feel inside even though I hide it and somehow that doesn’t feel like that should be right. However I will remember those words he said to me on Wednesday before he died, they made perfect sense and if I never forget them, I won’t ever care what others have to say about my life and what I have ever lived through because he never said truer words. Oh how I wish we had sat down and had many of these talks over the years. Be at peace.