I lie in bed tonight wondering how much longer I can do it. How much longer I can be courageous. How much longer I can be brave. How can I keep pushing through each day? Every day proves harder and harder lately. Being a parent is not easy, let alone doing it by yourself and no one ever told me it would be easy however never did I know just how challenging it is especially doing it by myself. I couldn’t be more blessed than I am to have the daughter I have though, she is so beautiful and intelligent. There are so many things I wish I could provide for her and not only material items but things in this world that she completely deserves to have. I miss my mom being away from home and I miss the rest of my family too. Some days I wonder what I am even doing here where I am right now. I think to myself- I left my family to live with this? Don’t get me wrong, there are many positives about being where I am but I am lonely. It’s normal for me to be partly lonely here because I have no local friends and I know no one and my family is very very far away but I am more lonely than I should feel considering I moved here to stay with someone and be in a relationship. Of course every relationship has issues but these are issues I have never dealt with in any of my relationships before. I feel so lost half of the time. I have changed so many of the things I feel I did wrong in the past in my old relationships- corrected and changed things so that I don’t make the same mistakes but you never can do enough. You meet someone new and you feel like you are making new mistakes to add to the list. The good thing is, I am accepted a lot more in this relationship for me and who I am. The bad part- the one issue we are having, I don’t know how much longer I will be able to go on feeling like I do because of it.
I’m so tired. I’m worn out and life is just constantly kicking me while I’m down. I can’t hug my teddy bear tight enough or long enough and if my tears could, they would probably never stop.