Other

Breathing but Dying…

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I’m tired. Tired of them haunting me.

Haunting my head, and haunting my dreams.

I just want you to listen and accept my choices.

Accept everything I decide to do in this life,

and not try to make extra demands on me.

I just want you to care for me, I have been a caretaker my whole life,

my whole childhood was spent doing this- am I not allowed?

This peace and time as an adult to take care of myself- to rest

when my body needs to rest and to sleep when I need to sleep?

I’m so tired. 

I want you, the other person, to leave. Stop invading my thoughts

and stop having me think over and over about how much time was spent

How much time was invested and lost. 

Did I learn from everything? Yes but also no and I feel so many things even from before you on repeat.

I want to cut you out of my head

I want to cut you from my skin. 

You are the disease that is feeding my depression even more than it was already being fed. 

Enough! 

I’m tired. 

I AM living half a life, I feel I always have been. Never do I feel full.

I can’t ever find me in my head. My thoughts always consumed with everyone else. 

Please stop tearing me down, please stop invading me. I wish I had never met you. 

You- in my life now, all of you, please, I’m tired. I only have to push a little further.

I am traveling alone on this path I do walk, no one is with me and I do feel that. 

I dissociate from the world so often and when you speak at times it sounds like underwater garble. 

I try to listen but the world is filled with doubt, lack of trust, secrets, pain, hate and selfishness. 

I am trapped and spinning in circles. 

Over and over again.

I just try to tell myself- Only a little longer, you have to be strong only a little longer.

The sand in the hourglass is moving, but it’s getting to the end, and choices have to be made-

decisions to be made.

Just tell me, tell me that until then it will be OK. That they will leave my head to give me some peace and that this world isn’t as bad as I see it. 

Because even though I’m breathing, I feel as if I’m dying.

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