I Don’t Want to Love Them

Oh how quickly things change and progress in a matter of months. I thought I was doing right, had made the correct choices and anything that came my way I could handle. My self sufficiency, security, courage, love, kindness; my entire life was hit full force by some horrible, wicked torrent of madness. 

Things started off awkward and then ran in cycles. I did not see the path of destruction before me at all. I was first restrained during a heated disagreement and that scared me. On three occasions I went to leave. The one occasion prior to the final departure, I drove 10 hours to Chicago to get away; only to come back thinking everything would work out. It wasn’t long after that when things got very bad. For a brief week or two in there it was bliss again. Thinking we had only each other. I was completely fooled by everything life was providing. There was a disagreement in which I ended up being hit in the eye/face. I decided that I couldn’t do it anymore. The constant cycling of emotion, dealing with the build up of tension for days sometimes weeks and then the explosion. I was constantly trying to pacify things to keep them at a level where no one in the house was anxious. I couldn’t make everyone happy; which was stressing me out. So I left, and I left also because to me things would just end up worse in the long run. I just had to realize that it was the best decision for my daughter and myself. My ex-husband would have never hit me. He and I had sometimes very explosive arguments but never did he lay a hand on me. He never restrained me or anything. Yes my marriage didn’t work but I knew that this new relationship was turning out even worse. I was headed for a bad road. 

Now because I was coaxed, and now because I rushed into things I have to pay a difficult price. My heart is torn. It’s completely broken. It probably wasn’t even repaired from before yet. The only positive part of what I just went through was that I learned more lessons and lessons about my past. I have to start anew and that is such a long road. My depression waxes and wanes but it feels worse when it comes on certain days or moments. I don’t want to love them. I don’t want to think about any of them but because they are my past I can’t ever forget. I have to learn to accept the past and move onto the future. 

Sometimes I just want to scream really loud to get everything out. Like everything inside my soul and heart would leak out my mouth while I screamed. To make the nightmares when I sleep go away and to make peace within myself. I have known many reasons to do a drastic thing but I will always understand a persons need to do something when they can’t deal with the pain inside themselves; the pain from the past no matter what that past is, the pain of the present, and dealing with the pain of the future. Hell is where we are living. 


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