I sit here, it’s just about 3 in the morning and I feel inside of me the scars you left on me. I am speaking of all of you, those deep unmistakable scars I carry with me everywhere I go now are from you. Each one of you has left me with something permanent. I wish in my heart I could carry those things that were good that you gave me but it’s too hard, at least today, at this 3 AM hour. You all live your happy lives, feeling content in the decisions you’ve made since me and not knowing how you destroyed me. How you’ve destroyed my child; the one who thought she could look up to you and grow to understand that there is a life without dysfunction. She was let down and so was I. I had love, I give love everywhere and maybe I am too kind because I end up stabbed again and again with pain. After the cuts, the bruise and brain injury you gave me have healed my heart still sits broken and I can’t help but feel used, abused and taken for granted. Little tiny almost not noticeable scar below my eye sits as a reminder of what a human can decide to do to another even if they truly believe they love them. The more mistakes I make, the more you all destroy my heart and the more you tear me down in my mind, the more I feel the desire to scar myself; not to feel anymore emotional pain but physical temporary pain and to rid myself of the horrible anxiety from remembering the chaos. I listened to your saved voice mail on my phone a couple of weeks ago and I felt that anxiety and fear all over again. I felt sadness too. To you who does not respond to my messages when you wanted to be my child’s father; I know I did things wrong and I have apologized sincerely for my wrongs but you cheated on me and abandoned us, I feel the least you could do is respond by standing up to being the father you promised you’d be. To be the man I always thought you were the many years we were married.
It’s amazing how some people you know can surprise you. You think you know someone for years but you realize one day you never knew them and your world is shattered. It hurts just as much to be deceived into thinking you know someone but they were pretending to be someone they aren’t. The real person is something much more sinister and scary. I wear my scars, I try not to show my inside scars and I hide my outside ones, I imagine most people in this world do that. I see people now and I wonder in my mind what their trials are, what if anything has broken their hearts and how do they manage to hide it? What do they do when they are alone? Are they alone? Do they too feel lonely, even with other people surrounding them?
I sit here, 3 in the morning, alone. My heart and soul filled with agony but only because I am allowing others to live inside my head. I don’t know if I can ever change that fact. I have always been quite a sensitive, emotional and feeling person. I am always trying to help others I see in pain because it hurts me too. Maybe I care too much, I don’t see many others feel that way about strangers but I do. I don’t like seeing any human or animal in any sort of pain, it hurts me, I feel it almost physically and some days it just adds to my agony.
I feel myself free falling, very fast, off the edge and not worried where I am going to fall and not caring. Can you die a broken person? With a broken soul? I believe so and I just run and run; I run from the pain, the thoughts and I never know where I am going to end up or when I’ll stop. Running is all I know and sometimes it’s the right decision however I can only run so far before I give up. What I’ll do when I give up I don’t know but some days I am a very thin line from continuing to run as fast as I can and just giving up. Maybe free falling until my body lands is the right thing, and then just figuring out what to do if I end up living. At this point I am not sure what is going to happen. I just know I am tired of my pain. I wish I had no scars inside and out. I don’t wish for perfection, just health, family, love, and friends. Maybe one day. Maybe.