Processing through what I have has been difficult. I am in no way finished in that process but I know I’ve gotten somewhere. I don’t care if I have nothing physical to show for it to some people; it’s inside ME that I know I have gotten somewhere. It makes me sad to have so much raw emotion well up into me at times when I least expect but if there is one thing in life I have learned; it’s to never expect anything in life. That at any moment anything can and will happen if it chooses.
I am tired often; physically and mentally. Sometimes one or the other and not both at once but the fatigue I endure in life is so much harder for me than all of the chronic pain I have been dealt. The bipolar I was given I can’t always say I am thankful for because it does allow me to feel with what seems like the most sensitive physical touch you could feel as a human but only imagine it in emotion. You know how someone can endlessly torture you by tickling you in your most ticklish and sensitive body part? That is how strong emotion waves over me when I am happy or sad. I like feeling love and feeling happiness. I love feeling sadness but not despair. I like accomplishing things but being an overachiever makes me weak. I decided I can’t deal with the pain I feel inside me, inside my head and my physical body whenever life decides to bring you back in some way.
I just have a simple message to you. I won’t forget. I will never forget. I can forgive but it’s only for myself to move forward. I will not feel despair anymore. I won’t allow you to keep pushing me backwards. I may have suffocating days but you will NOT be the death of me.