I am Lost, please find me

It cuts like a knife, love that is. Whether it’s family, lost love, a failed love it always cuts like a knife. The softness of my pillow calls my name at this time but my brain is run rampant with sad thoughts so it doesn’t want to sleep. I would lie there and toss and turn, hoping I would wake from this nightmare but it’s the same. When I wake each time I can sleep the sorrow and disappointment floods my mind all over again. I see the sun and feel despair. I wake to daylight without sun and my despair is stronger. It’s no ones fault I feel this way. I think in my mind it’s probably impossible for me to be happy. I mean what does it take? My mind is like I’ve received Ketamine after any good circumstance; completely erased from my memory. Or maybe I was given Versed in my sleep after a good day because I wake to loneliness, sadness and mental pain. I don’t even care about my chronic physical pain anymore. In fact there are days I feel I deserve it somehow. When I sleep at night and dream, I always desire it to be real, whether it’s a nightmare or a pleasant dream because my dreams are nowhere near the fatal reality that exists in my life. God save me, I’m dying even though I continue to breathe. So much sorrow, so much despair that I share with almost no one. I choose not to because I really feel those feelings are what ruined so much in my life. So in the day, when the sun rises, I am a half shell of who I really am. I sit and laugh at something you say, I smile because I want to be kind to you and make you happy but inside those thoughts won’t turn off. I finish my day, when I am alone which is at night, and cry inside- wishing for tears on the outside. Holding back any anger because anger does nothing for me. My anger turns into more pain. You don’t know me. None of you do. I don’t know if anyone ever will. I think I have a hundred secrets of my own in my mind. Secrets, thoughts and feelings that would scare the bravest and most courageous of men. I am tortured. Tortured by my own soul. I am lost, please come and find me.


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