In my drawer it sits. Silence surrounding me in my room.
THe feelings held back inside my chest and heart. I am numb at this point. The desires to grab my hurtful objects overwhelming and desires to use them violently even more overwhelming.
The war raging inside my head. Inside my heart and the resistance to hurting myself in any way possible almost imposible. I don’t want to hurt those I love yet I don’t have any desire to be alive most days; I pray to God to get me through the next minute- taking it sometimes second by second.
Being a single parent and having these feelings some days is so hard; like someone playing tug of war on your body, but one is death and the other your child and you are ripping in half. Going through the motions each day only half living and half enjoying your life (if even half). Wanting to reach into that drawer for your knife since you don’t own a gun and all the different medications you can find to take all at once to put you in a permanent slumber.
What IS there to life? Repeatedly getting your heart ripped to shreds? Feeling numb after days of sadness being unable to no longer express yourself; instead going into your hole where you are buried alive with just a straw poking out the top to breathe through? You struggle and struggle to get air through this thin straw and just pray for possible death. You can’t stand the thin and frail air, the stagnant and small breaths you must take to stay alive. You just want to give up.
Where is your hero when you need them? No one is there. No one to help. All alone. In your head and in the world. Your soul standing by itself with no one to hold you up when your legs give out and your body crumbles to the floor from pure emotional exhaustion. You know you can’t do it alone anymore. It’s too hard to just breathe alone, needing that human embrace of someone who truly and honestly cares. The world is so selfish and instead of being there for everyone else I guess it’s time I give up. God knows I know many ways to do so and He knows why I need and want to. There are never enough I love you’s nor goodbyes and hellos. Just too many implements for self destruction…. and too many people out to hurt one another whether intentionally or unintentionally. I want the pain to end; however, I don’t want to die but if dying is the only way to end my pain then dying it is. Much to think about and to see how long I can hold on until the final decision because hospitalization is not a possibility and it never has worked just like meds fail me over and over.
Maybe I just need love- real love. I love someone, just not sure they truly love me back and won’t eventually break me and my heart like everyone else. I can’t handle another heartbreak, it will literally kill me the next time. I hope he knows this and cares. He is very good to me, unfortunately we hardly have time to be together in any format. The other sad part? His family is how my family was many years ago and it makes me so sad when I should be happy for him/them. I am alone in the world. My family is all off living their lives without so much as a note/letter or post card dropped in the mail for my daughter at least. It’s as if we don’t exist. (Out of sight out of mind).
I just want to die but everything around me and everyone that IS in my life refuses to let me. So I take it a day at a time as best I can, keep breathing, but if I knew my daughter would be OK with me gone and my new boyfriend- I would be gone faster then your next heartbeat.
No More Pain Please Lord.