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Letting it Out

Now this note comes first before this post: This is not directed at anyone specific; just a generalization.

I’m sad and told it’s OK to be sad, yet it hurts people to see me this way. The thing is if you really didn’t want me to be sad then maybe you’d keep talking to me and make time for me. Be there. It’s really my fault that I have no life. That I have no one to hang around with even on the phone. I am too busy saying it’s OK, don’t worry about me or how I feel because I am not as valuable as whatever you are in the middle of. I have always felt that way, and just waiting my turn to talk and mostly that never comes which is my own fault.

I spent three days crying and now I am numb. The tears are dried up and no more reason(s) to cry. I do not belong where I am; this state, this city let alone this life and world. I broke down and attempted ECT therapy (Eectroconvulsive therapy) AKA electric shock therapy with no success instead only feeling more depressed than I already was. I just want to be free from all of my pain- physical but most essentially my mental pain. The ECT wiped so much of my short term memory. I could show you where I lived but the actual address. I couldn’t remember any of my phone numbers including close family members I’ve called for years at the same number. The ECT would give me headaches after I’d get home and as a migraine sufferer sometimes they did get to migraine level. I had my latest Remicade infusion last Thursday and it is seemingly helping some of my pain. I have a new problem which is concerning me however with my right shoulder. It’s literally dislocating and then popping back into place (the whole process quite painful but doesn’t last long).

My kidneys are hurting something awful today as well… last night thought the water heater broke but it was really my neighbor’s washing machine. Her apartment must have REALLY been flooded because mine was pretty bad into my kitchen. The mess mostly cleaned and I feel bad for Julia because not even did she mop prior but the floor had just dried around 30-40 minutes prior. My ex has been giving me problems. If he had shown up to the hearing, had the settlement agreement signed too then the divorce would have been granted once the parenting class was complete. Instead he snapped at me in a message saying he knew nothing of a hearing which even the commissioner told me he was notified. I’m tired. Of everything. Tired of the ECT and have stopped those, tired of being sad and feeling sick. I am tired of pain.

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3 thoughts on “Letting it Out

  1. Juliette,
    Please don’t give up. I, too, feel this way a lot. I am dealing with several invisible chronic illnesses and became permanently disabled in April 2013. I feel I don’t have much of a life, either. The only time I really get any company is if I make the call, otherwise I’m just kind of forgotten because everyone says oh she’s sick, she won’t be able to do that. I understand how you must feel and I know, it sucks. I usually practice mindfulness and meditation, but I’ve been in so much pain, lately, that I can’t even be still long enough to even meditate, but when I am able, it really does help. It takes a lot of practice and patience. You should consider giving this a try. Just a suggestion. I hope you can find some relief soon. HUGS
    Tammy

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    1. Hoping you can get back to meditating soon if it centers you well. *hugs* It’s sad when someone tells me they understand my thoughts but also makes me feel a little better that I am not so misunderstood. Sort of a bittersweet feeling comes over me; yet more sadness then the better feeling.

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  2. Hi there, I hope you are feeling “better” today. I know it never really goes away, but some days are better than others. During one of my hospitalizations they tried to get me to do that ECT. They made me watch a video about it and I flat out said NO because I saw all the people walking around that had had that done and they did not look well. They tried really hard to convince me to do it, but I adamantly refused, thank God after everything I’ve heard about it from people like you and many others. They are really pushing that ECT these days. I’ve been hospitalized more than once and each time I’ve seen so many people having these done, walking around like zombies. I’ve heard nothing good about it from people that have had it done. I’m glad they didn’t have me too drugged to make the wrong choice. I know what you mean about it feeling bittersweet that others understand. Feels good to know you’re not alone, but on the other hand it sucks to know that there are many others going through the same or similar things. Just know you are not alone on this roller coaster ride. It sure does suck! I’m here if you ever want to talk or vent or whatever you need to do. I’m in extensive outpatient therapy at the moment. I have 3 therapists and I see each one once a week. You ever heard of such a thing? 3 therapists! LOL well, apparently, it takes a team to deal with me, but whatever. I’ll do whatever I have to do and I’ll probably need therapy of some sort for the rest of my life. I just started DBT. Don’t know if you’ve ever heard of that before, but I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve only gone to one session, missed the 2nd session due to a death in the family, and tomorrow will be my third session. I’ve heard a lot of good things about it, so I thought I’d give it a try. Hang in there, my friend, it takes a long, long time, but it can get “better.” Good luck on your journey and don’t forget I’m always here if you want to talk. Have a good night.
    Peace and hugs,
    Tammy

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