Now this note comes first before this post: This is not directed at anyone specific; just a generalization.
I’m sad and told it’s OK to be sad, yet it hurts people to see me this way. The thing is if you really didn’t want me to be sad then maybe you’d keep talking to me and make time for me. Be there. It’s really my fault that I have no life. That I have no one to hang around with even on the phone. I am too busy saying it’s OK, don’t worry about me or how I feel because I am not as valuable as whatever you are in the middle of. I have always felt that way, and just waiting my turn to talk and mostly that never comes which is my own fault.
I spent three days crying and now I am numb. The tears are dried up and no more reason(s) to cry. I do not belong where I am; this state, this city let alone this life and world. I broke down and attempted ECT therapy (Eectroconvulsive therapy) AKA electric shock therapy with no success instead only feeling more depressed than I already was. I just want to be free from all of my pain- physical but most essentially my mental pain. The ECT wiped so much of my short term memory. I could show you where I lived but the actual address. I couldn’t remember any of my phone numbers including close family members I’ve called for years at the same number. The ECT would give me headaches after I’d get home and as a migraine sufferer sometimes they did get to migraine level. I had my latest Remicade infusion last Thursday and it is seemingly helping some of my pain. I have a new problem which is concerning me however with my right shoulder. It’s literally dislocating and then popping back into place (the whole process quite painful but doesn’t last long).
My kidneys are hurting something awful today as well… last night thought the water heater broke but it was really my neighbor’s washing machine. Her apartment must have REALLY been flooded because mine was pretty bad into my kitchen. The mess mostly cleaned and I feel bad for Julia because not even did she mop prior but the floor had just dried around 30-40 minutes prior. My ex has been giving me problems. If he had shown up to the hearing, had the settlement agreement signed too then the divorce would have been granted once the parenting class was complete. Instead he snapped at me in a message saying he knew nothing of a hearing which even the commissioner told me he was notified. I’m tired. Of everything. Tired of the ECT and have stopped those, tired of being sad and feeling sick. I am tired of pain.