I Don’t Want to Die

As the holidays have been approaching, they have only been slightly in my head. There are just too many things going on in my life. I used to crave Christmas like a junkie. I loved the music especially and sometimes would start listening right after Halloween but it’s just not that way any more and I’m not sure who or what to blame. I recently went through ECT treatments that ended up not working. I forget things constantly, things I have told someone a few hours prior I end up repeating. I know it frustrates them but imagine being the one who sees a video or picture not long from the first time and swears up and down they never saw it but the person says, yes, you saw it. I am losing my balance worse these days with two falls yesterday and one time I bumped my head. Not sure what to blame the balance issues on. Could be the AS, or Fibromyalgia, meds or just from the Electro-Convulsive Therapy. The the thing that makes me the saddest is we were really counting on those ECT treatments to help my depression. There  was no difference other than severe memory issues which have continued. I haven’t had an ECT treatment since last early November. My doctor says “Don’t worry, your memory issues will stop, but it sometimes can take 6 months minimum.” 

Just a warning that this may trigger those sensitive to suicidal thoughts or self-harm.
I have started cutting, actually a long time ago but it’s increased. I have no way to take out my anger or sadness. I wish the best, even those who’ve wronged me; however, if I am hurt by things from the past I take it out on myself and cut. My thighs are scarred all over. I thought they would completely heal but so far they have gotten to the point of scarring. I changed to my arms- no idea why but I have. I carve words into my arms. I had carved “save me” because I am so tired of AS and fibro and especially the bipolar. The bipolar causes me to not be able to properly cope with the others. There is a link in that manner, folks. I feel suicidal at times, thinking no one but maybe my daughter and boyfriend would care but mostly my daughter. I later carved in large letters above “save me” the word “Don’t” because if I overdosed it would send them a message. I know this makes some of you sick and you think “Why commit suicide when all these people out there are struggling to live?” but I think that too, I lost my little sister in a car crash in 2007 and all the time I say in my head, why her? It should have been me out of the family because she was such a happy person. Some days I can’t decide whether to hate my life or to just live it. See, I just got my court date for my divorce. I have been filing this divorce on my own for months and it hasn’t been easy, though I will say others have dealt with it worse. I can’t celebrate Thanksgiving and enjoy it even just being with my daughter when I should. My husband kicked us out on Thanksgiving of 2011. I’ll never forget that date and I know the actual day it was. Sure, sure…. it’s passed and I need to get over it but this month we will be married 10 years. That year, I was released from the hospital on that day and my mother picked me up to take me to her house she had just closed on. She had to buy a smaller house than her last. I cried. This holiday season I cry all the time, so much that I can’t stop for sometimes hours. All I can think about this Christmas is how to punish myself because everything I do, everything,

is wrong.

I pray to God to get me through it and then I get to the point where I think well, if God can get me to my court date, if the judge grants the divorce, I can give in or up. Huge reason I needed my boyfriend here at that time which I haven’t explained to him why I’ve been pushing so hard about it. I have no one here and some days I don’t trust myself.-

DO I want to live the rest of my life with Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia, and Bipolar, to just name the major ones? I have kidney problems on my back burner, so to speak, too. My body is so completely broken. More prayer comes out of my head or mouth because I can’t decide if after my court date I want to be alive or dead. I can’t spend the rest of my life cutting myself- or can I? If it kept me from really hurting myself but I’m not dumb, there’s infection and cutting too deep possibilities. (Especially with the treatment I receive for my AS). I don’t think you would completely get it unless you’ve been there.

I walk, down a path riddled with trees on each side of me. I feel exposed yet hidden and I want to cry but it doesn’t happen. I look to my left and I realize there’s a lake or creek and I start to notice the sound of the bubbling water on the rocks. I keep walking still thinking- thinking about everything in my life and everyone. I am thinking of the what ifs and the whys. I start remembering the nervous breakdown I had in the hospital when my husband said during the telephone conference it was over. Remembering him waiting until I read to him the letter I put my heart into when I wrote it to him, he saying nothing about it as if he ignored every word which he probably did ignore it. I can’t help being sick, but those who aren’t sick don’t understand this, I think in my head and I keep walking. I continue the path with my mind on fast forward to someone I got into a relationship with. I think, how did he hide his temper so well from me and/or why was I so naive? I just wanted a fresh start and somewhere new but this man decided to control me. He held me from moving (as if holding someone down so they can’t move) but I let it go. I walk a little more noticing the trees are such a lush green with beautiful trunks of different shades, some of them curving in odd ways. At one point wishing the trees would swallow me up whole. Then I remember the horrifying hit to my eye and head which took me three days to report because my mind kept telling me, it was just possibly an accident, it probably won’t happen again. More fast forwarding to the police and getting what I could. starting to tire because of my thoughts and this path of trees. Remembering how hard I worked getting my own place for the first time in my life- a nice place and quiet neighborhood after living homeless. Then my thoughts go to whether after my divorce I should stay alive? I walk over to the left and realize I am by a very deep part of the lake, I walk closer until my feet are just about in the water and my mind is racing with thoughts. Do I just jump in since I can’t swim? Would that even work? Should I walk over to the bridge where it’s certain to be deeper? I can’t walk anymore, I can’t keep these thoughts whirling through my mind and walking the path of trees had calmed me but I still continued to think and my brain just will not stop until I’m dead- took me a very long time to give in to that thought. Years of many;  very many suicide attempts and just not doing them right. 

Tell me that there are so many better things to look forward to and to keep walking, please, because it feels as if things won’t ever get better. Tell me there still are good men and women in this world because my hope is dwindling and dwindling rapidly. For now I am going to pause, sit on this bridge over the high water, wait and admire the trees. In my head I’m screaming, for help, from God because he is probably the only one who can help. Man-made medicine does nothing, therapy does nothing- in fact, while I was there yesterday I don’t even think he could tell how different I was behaving and I did care but don’t anymore, and if shocking me into a seizure in my brain does nothing; all these things do nothing, I just scream HELP to God and ask Him to not only survive anymore but to LOVE and LIVE.

I don’t want to die…..


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