Huge Moments and So much Pain Inside

Well I wanted to update everyone about the last couple of months I suppose. First off, in January I attended court and finished my divorce. I was very nervous about being in a courtroom and basically testifying for the first time to attest that all the information was correct. I didn’t know much about my now ex-husband but was given the paperwork from the judge to stop and look it over as in his financial information etc. I wasn’t happy. I am a Christian, now a Seventh-Day Adventist but still becoming a real member of my church. It was very hard not to be angry, it’s been very difficult to get over this 10-year marriage. I had a hard time with a 2 year boyfriend breakup when I was 16 for crying out loud.

When you love someone and devote your life to them, even in sickness  you would hope when they too said the words “I do” that they too meant in sickness. I never planned on being as sick as I was. I learned over the last few years with our separation that me being sick is and never was my fault and I should have never felt guilt for being sick. I also learned that a real spouse loves you in sickness even if that means complete life-long constant illness. The man I married sought a woman from his past. I think honestly he just needed a way to get away from me, our daughter and the state here in the USA we had been living in which we both no longer do. My daughter is the most beautiful thing to ever happen in this world and why a father would want to be apart is beyond me. Plus you don’t tell a minor child to contact you if they want, you reach out to them but he never stayed a father and when we were together there was no interest after a few years in us. He was was obsessed with a video game, every minute he was not at work he was sitting there playing it. It destroyed us as partners/spouses. It broke my heart he had no interest in anything anymore.

But it took so long to really process the pain and grief. Grief too never goes away when you really care; so on occasion I feel pain but also anger. As if I needed anymore mental pain? I use God a lot as my outlet.  I am always talking to him and asking him to help me. I know God is there and I know He is listening, my spouse never believed that and maybe that’s why he never cared. I on occasion feel very bad for his new girlfriend because who knows how long until he moves on from her to another woman that can get him away from whatever the current one wants. I wish I saw this pattern when I first was attracted. I missed so many signs of so many times in my life but especially with people.

I have such high compassion for others that I literally feel their pain when they are hurting. It tears my soul apart and makes me feel as they are. I worry about so many people. I get hurt easily too however when their isn’t fairness, or love. I get hurt when the ones who are supposed to love you are selfish. I am hurt when those I care so much about I reach out to for help only yell and degrade me. People in this world, including family, do not understand being sick maybe if it’s some other illness but mental being the least understood. So many times I was in the hospital after overdosing and no visitors. My daughter wasn’t allowed to see me as the ward only allowed visitors over 12 I think. I have so many memories from those places and so much pain I carry in my head and heart. It is going to kill me.

Onto now, I had been running out of food constantly so I stopped eating and let my daughter eat whatever she could find. I was eating one piece of fruit a day just to stop the pain in my stomach from not eating. We can’t depend on child support the same day each week, I never asked for any compensation for everything I lost nor alimony in the divorce. I had to end it and not drag it out. I don’t get food share at all. So I am fully responsible for all the bills here, rent and food. I lost about ten pounds in the process but could stand to lose it anyway.

The new church has been such a Godsend. Wonderful people and I haven’t even met Christians of other faiths this kind. These friends of mine have no ulterior motive behind anything and will to do anything. They are so beautiful. At first I was so worried and skeptical of them being fake but it’s almost like they are completely different humans than any I’ve seen or met. I feel guilt at times but I am learning about guilt and to remember asking for help is not bad. I am learning that was part of the reason Jesus was crucified -to pay for any guilt as well that us human had/have. I think a lot of this goes back to how you are raised and then the decisions you make as an adult. 

I just had a birthday and the day before I got up to answer my phone and both my ankles for some reason went out from under me, twisted and I fell forward onto the floor. I felt instant severe pain in my right foot and started screaming at the top of my lungs over and over. It felt like someone cut my foot off at the ankle. I tried to stand but I couldn’t, I just fell over and over. I knew something was seriously wrong plus I had heard a snap. 

That snap was my foot breaking. Right in front of the ankle. I had to either call 911 when it happened or have a friend take me to the ER and thank God the elder from the church who I consider a very dear friend took off work to take me. I had to crawl on the snow, ice, melted muddy crud and in the cold to get to her car. I had crutches problem was, the minute I stepped outside with the crutches to go to the ER I slipped, lost my balance and went backwards, thankfully falling on my lower back and bottom. I made sure not to hit my head. Crawling was mortifying but as i said, I couldn’t stand at all. I didn’t know it was broken and tried to stand quite a few times.

Doctor tells me it’s broken (I’m sort of surprised, I have never ever broken anything and I was a day prior to 34). I was half casted/splinted, told to see the orthopedist immediately who I did. He saw the break and showed it on x-ray to me. He said more x-rays in a week and we will see if it’s a clean break or worse. Until then I have a Air Cast and I am to not put any weight on it. I have to crawl up my stairs, I was crawling on the filthy floor. My daughter is tiny, half my size and there’s no way I could use her help physically, I would fall on her, we’d both fall and I could potentially hurt her badly. I am worried about it being complicated, yes and the bruising has increased and gone to new places. My foot is hugely swollen even with elevation. The top is completely blue, the break is black  and now I have more bruising by my toes and top of the side of my foot. 

This is such a bad thing to happen. I am relying on a friend constantly and I don’t want her to feel I am using her at all. The pastor is supposed to call about coming to see me, to pray with me and talk to me. I am very nervous, I have never felt worthy of anything of this nature. I am embarrassed of the nature of my house because I can’t do anything and my daughter is exhausted.

My mental state is really bad right now. I stopped cutting but I am constantly thinking of suicide and crying. I hide crying from everyone and I guess it’s so no one knows I am not as tough as they think but then I get mad when they say I’m so tough I can handle it/anything. It’s my own fault! The med my doctor prescribed was denied, so they are trying a prior authorization to get it next week but I think they will still deny it no matter how many prayers I can say. The insurance in this country went to shit in 2014, really bad and it’s killing those of us sick. I have already spontaneously tried suicide a few times and sometimes it’s very hard to hold back. I was going to go to the mental ward’s ER to be evaluated for admission to straighten out my meds but I hesitated thinking I would see my doctor but I had to cancel because I broke my foot. 

Life is killing me.

Physical illness (all of them) are killing me.

The way our country is going is killing me.

I am killing me.

Bipolar is killing me.

Bipolar will be the death of me.

Lord help me, the thoughts of death have to stop. 

I need the hospital but can’t leave my daughter to fend for herself.

I am so fucked. Pain from years is killing me. Everyone STOP hurting me.

I can’t get stable again. YOU did this to me- ALL of you. 

Just keep praying…..


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