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My Story Of AS part II and just my life!

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My Story Of AS part II

This is me above taken very recent. I knew after seeing my top post had also recently been My Story of AS that you all needed an update. It has been a couple years since I updated my story. I am now a divorcee, in a relationship but raising my teenager alone. I am going to try not to backtrack too much but give a little background. I won’t say I am doing perfect physically but better. I have forced choices to make everyday. I am not the greatest cook and in fact I hate cooking but cleaning I don’t mind one bit and a clean apartment can do wonders for you mentally. In all these years I haven’t been stable enough mentally and have even tried ECT. My diagnosis is being questioned on that front. Day after day it’s either battle or both at once and man the both at once knock me for a loop. I was cutting and not all that long ago did I stop. My depression was bad when I was married but honestly, it has gotten worse. My life is far from easy mentally which does not bode well for a physical illness/es on top of all that. I almost never get a break and I don’t work; it’s sad but so true. I asked for it by the paths I chose since my divorce. 

Today it has been raining for the first time since it started snowing last October of 2013. Since it has done nothing but snow, many blizzards and feet and feet of snow. I was told get an accommodation for your back and the snow shoveling plus your asthma but when I complain it isn’t getting done I get the comment ‘you’re on the list’. OKkkkk so could someone actually do it? No response so I hope someone has enjoyed getting shoveled for free and at my cost. I fell this winter many times on ice but never did I break a bone until I get up at 5AM to answer the phone only to fall (both my ankles twisting) and broke my right foot. Heard the crack and all now you tell me why? WHY my right foot? I couldn’t even use my foot to get to the ER, I fell backwards on the ice trying to get to my friend’s car so she could take me. I crawled on my knees on ice and snow to her car. I finally got there only to find out it was broken for sure and needed a splint until I got into orthopedics three days later. Believe it or not, it’s still broken but being bed/chair ridden has allowed it to partially heal making it so I can at least put weight on it. Problem: My excessive shoveling since breaking it has caused the break to worsen. 

Some days it feels like today, with the rain and just above freezing temps. My back feels like (lower back) that someone is sticking a knife into it and twisting but also turning. I can’t get comfortable unless flat on my back. In fact writing this I am in severe pain atm. However if I am doing nothing I feel insane. Insane staring at my ceiling. If you ever knew how tiring it is to hold something above you to use that item… try having a similar or same condition. I am no longer using my wheelchair though I need to be sometimes. I deal without. I deal without a support team on any front. Me against the world because I do not give into the world. I am otherwise like any person in this world- searching for beauty, enjoying my religion without wanting to give up on a God who has never given up on me, enjoying the small amounts of laughter I can muster from my depressed teen who has only me in her life and trying never ever to feel guilty about my past or future decisions. All I ask is that my boyfriend keep following me, sometimes lead me, hold my hand and stand beside me when I am in pain mentally, physically, and both when I want nothing more than to die. He has proven to me for a year to be a committed best friend and boyfriend. I love him very much. 

I recently was in the hospital – only 15 hours to stay safe (ahead this time!) and have been referred to an outside hospital program that will teach me coping skills for everything I hope. I don’t expect a cure, I don’t expect anyone to go pushing mountains for me, I just want a little help. 

This path/road I am on has not and will not be easy but if I have my tools in the toolbox I can get to where I don’t always try to give up on my life, my sickness, and dare I say even though it’s late, (I am 34) but enjoy life. I want to walk forever and be beautiful forever. I gave up smoking almost a year now and decided I can do that so why not this? Why not? There is no answer because I can and I choose to make that my path. NEVER giving up until my body decides to some day on it’s own. I won’t deny I will need help. I can’t even go outside in the wind and rain today to pick up my recycling strewn everywhere but I will later, it will get done, in my time; it will get done. I am dual no I have many diagnoses but they need to stop ruling my life; I won’t be as happy as a bird in Spring but I will have moments to remember and for my family to remember (Wonderful ones!). 

My words to you- Good luck, keep reading and NEVER give up. Always fight for the life you’ve been given!

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