Since being sent home from the hospital, I have learned many things but nothing as important as true love. Now I had been fooled in the past to think I was in love a few times but not many. There is definitely a difference and a difference when someone treats you special ongoing as well as you trying your best everyday to make the other person feel important. I want to, it’s not a matter of feeling I have to because the love was dying from the get go like in the past. My journey with this man began as him being my best friend. I could tell him anything free of judgement. We could also talk about things he and I were equally passionate about- religion for one and things we disagreed upon were discussed so kindly. No arguing and no heated debating. So I bought these two small journals and my intent with one is to keep track of the love I am learning, have learned and hope to learn. I want to keep track of the ways I have kept love alive whether it’s with this man in my life or with my daughter- which is another type of love when you have children. It will include my thoughts, not just facts, and I hope to go back to it to remind myself when I don’t think I feel love or when I need to be reminded the language of love my man speaks and my child speaks. Have you read the book The 5 Love Languages? My therapist recommended it and I am working through it hoping to understand how to make a partnership work in love and not have it fail. I still am not sure why my last marriage failed other then my spouse was cheating on me and had a new woman in his life he must have loved in some manner. I don’t kid myself, I wasn’t perfect in my marriage but no one is ever perfect, after all we are human and I tried my best I can say that. I was very sick for last few years not only with physical illness but mental illness and my spouse did not want to go to therapy nor read about my illnesses to understand them. Something I think it’s important for a partner to do in order to have some idea on different levels of relating.
Honestly, I know I will never have a perfect union but I can sure try to perfect it in every way, shape it and form it in a God fearing and loving manner. To have a loving union the way God intends us to have; no hate, and no anger. I can see our future in this manner because we do relate well, we do enhance one another and others even around us in person feel the good vibe and just smile. My therapist thinks we enhance one another well and can feel the positivism emitting from us when we talk and smile. When you love someone a lot, and it’s true, you brighten not only one another but others around you in your life.
Believe me, there will be pain still and sadness, especially when we must part again but I am trying my best with everything including taking it all one day at a time and enjoying my peace with Andrew. So I won’t dare say I feel in complete bliss for I know what lies ahead and yes it scares me, saddens me, depresses me even but most of all hurts. I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want to be and feel alone again even for a minute but it’s something out of my control. Love those with you and feel content in their presence because not all of us are lucky enough to be permanent at this time with ours. I hope one day I can say with permanence, “he is mine forever.”