Other

Madness

Waking beside you everyday is a dream come true. Never did this feel so wonderful with any person in my entire life. You are amazing to me. It would crush me into microscopic pieces should you ever leave. Never in my life have I loved someone in this way so strongly. God has blessed me in many ways by giving me my beautiful daughter and now a beautiful soul mate. It had been said by someone that there was a divine intervention for putting us together and I truly believe that. I have made mistakes over the years, many times thinking I was with the right ‘one’ or just settling out of fear, but now I know in my soul that this is how it was always meant to be. Always how it was supposed to feel. Why didn’t I realize it? Because I hadn’t felt it. God is amazing! He is amazing in the things He can do for you just by asking. Just with patience and waiting for your time to have what He wants you to have. I never understood how people could be so thankful to Him until he blessed me in so many ways and I looked back realizing- God does love me. He does care about me. He gives me in time what I need and that’s all I want.

So, I was watching a Mercy Me video today; a version someone made of the song called “Beautiful” that my wonderful fiance sent me. I don’t know why it took me until that moment, but I had an epiphany. A realization, if you’d like. Jesus died for ME. Someone died for me before they even met me. He chose to die for me. He is that knight I always looked for. He didn’t die just to save us all from sin– that wasn’t the only reason. I know inside I am alive, in my brain I feel mad and the wheels never stop but Jesus died so that I can live the life I live and when I die I can go to the place I was meant to. Sure, my brain makes me mad– insane, I mean– but God made me mad and that’s OK because I am me. I can scream inside. I can shout on the outside but I can also sing. Sing in pain, happiness and fear. God is GREAT and now I know why people say that and now I know why those who believe it do. I wish it hadn’t taken me this long but at the same time I am glad it took me until now. I have had so many experiences, good and bad. The bad ones allow me to see human nature and allow me to really feel. Sure, they make me want to scream, pull my hair out and cut my body up but I can feel. Some of us never feel and wander this earth selfishly, but I am special enough to empathize and sympathize with so many; I can only hope I can help others with compassion. I love my life even when the devil wishes I didn’t and tears at me.

If I were to kill myself it wouldn’t matter because I am sick and would be out of my current mind at that moment. I don’t want to– never, and I never want to hurt a living soul. I don’t want to hurt the people from my past, I want to move on and forget the bad parts with them. Maybe just forgive and forget because everyone is human. Some of us just follow the devil’s ideas. Sometimes humans make mistakes, and I know I have made my share of them. I am no one to judge and I can only hope those forgive my mistakes as well and forget them. Move on and live the life we are all meant to live. Feel the rain on your face and know God is there.

Feel the wind and hear the thunder- see the lightning. Feel the grass under your feet and take up the sun’s warmth. God is everywhere, love is everywhere and life is everywhere. I am learning not to take breathing for granted. To take everything in, release it, and understand it in my way and what way God wants me to. If we die and there is nothing, then there is nothing, but should we die and there is Heaven- Oh, how wonderful that would be! So why not hope for that? Why just think the worst? God knows where your heart lies and he knows where mine does. He knows our hopes, thoughts, dreams and desires. He is the ultimate judge of what we do, what we’ve done and what we want to do. He knows I want to die and he knows when I want to.

I won’t let my madness win. I won’t acknowledge suicide in my brain but I will acknowledge that those thoughts are there and only He can help when they are there. Today, I am breathing. That’s all that’s important; that and I am with those I love the most. They are breathing and with me. No fear. No madness and no pain. I won’t let it in and I won’t let it win.

~KAJ

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