Head Games

My goal was to do a hobby or read the bible for a week. I chose to learn new techniques of sketching and sketching with pencils and colored pencils when I normally pen sketch. I have learned some new things and I am so excited hoping my art gets even better! It kept me busy, kept me from self harmful thoughts/actions and kept me positive with focus! I also have been reading a new book on borderline personality disorder. I feel acknowledged and more comfortable knowing that someone is writing about the myths and trying to rid the disorder of so many. The problem seems to be no one caring to understand stigma at it’s best. People just accept what they hear or see in the movies/t.v. My next post will be the myths of borderline personality disorder AKA BPD because as someone diagnosed with this as well as bipolar disorder, I feel someone out there might want to know what’s real and what’s fake about it. It’s frustrating dealing with something no one understands or wants to understand. Do those of you with bipolar ever get that feeling?

Don’t get me wrong, my head plays games with me and I can be full of pure happiness but there’s always that little worm that says in the back of my head- what’s wrong with you? You can’t possibly be happy! You are struggling buying food and paying bills. Don’t even mention getting gas in your SUV! Those fears are always in the back of my mind. I have fears over my fiance and what we have to do yet to be completely settled. There is nothing I can do because it’s up to him to settle. I am a fixer, and I like to make things right but some things you have to depend on others to do.. It’s a frustrating feeling! I like making sure everything is right- maybe that’s my OCD I dunno. Maybe I’m a control freak *shrug* I dunno, but I do know I’ve been burnt in the past and don’t choose to be again.

Speaking of feeling hopeless, it creeps up on me and I could be just lying in bed and wham! I feel distraught over everything I can’t manage, everything I can’t fix and everything I wish that was different. I feel life’s losses again, the deaths I have experienced, the death of my own old life too. Sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes I am sighing relief because it’s over. I am always on guard though and sadly I will continue to live that way for the rest of my life. I have been abused, used and thrown out like trash but I know I am not worth those things- no human being is except those who treat others that way. Yes I want to die and want to be in my forever home but do I want to kill myself? No. Not today. Am I struggling with fear and nerves? Yes. Life couldn’t be more challenging for me or maybe it could but it’s hard that’s all I know. No one messes with my family though, I will fight to the death if you hurt my family- I have no fear of dying in those cases. I don’t think I HAVE a fear of dying. I have been close, too close and really? It was so fast when you wake up sometimes you wish it finished and sometimes when you wake you are grateful. I can’t remember how I felt other then confused. I mean I regretted it at first enough to call 911 but after those drugs kicked in I didn’t care anymore. There was no fight from me, it lowered every bit of it from me. You only regret it for a moment and then you don’t care. Thinking back, that’s frightening that it’s what mental illness does to us- what depression can do to us. How our brain can sabotage our very act of breathing, of living.

After a year together and a little more; the wedding bells are ringing. Very soon now we will be together until death do we part. I mean that last part and I meant it last time but it was not my choice. I gave my heart once and now I give it again, stronger and with God’s grace. This time there is no departure, no end and in Heaven one day together as well. I hope I am proving to him how much I love him. He has shown me he truly loves me and that means the world. He has shown love towards my daughter and spends time with her, thus proving he loves her like she’d be his own. I am full of pure happiness even in bad times I know they turn around and that’s a feeling I am not used to. I love everything and everyone stronger then I ever have and now I know what I have in life and I am so grateful. I am truly blessed. God give me hope to keep going this way.


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